Latest update

I haven't had much time for the blog in the past few months... Thank you to all of you who have emailed, texted, called and contacted me on Facebook. I do get your messages and I really appreciate them. Upon returning from back East I was crazy busy with the move and organization of the house. This was much more time consuming than I had prepared for. It really wiped me out. I wanted to get everything done all at once, shocking I know, but I want to get everything over with and ordered and prepared so I can focus on what really matters - my health and my family. I am getting to the point where I could care less about furniture, decor, things, things and things. I just want this house to be clean, simple, organized and efficient. Everything else is clutter and unnecessary. Do I need 13,000 different types of vases, glasses, cutlery, etc. etc? No we don't. I'm purging and simplifying.

I want to purge and simplify my health too. With all the stress of moving, unpacking, organizing, etc. I was really wiped out. I saw Dr. McAndrew each month since we returned and by the second month she told me my tumor markers were creeping back up.  Ugh. What the hell did that mean? To find out I would have to repeat my scans...but I was due for them anyway. Three weeks ago I did the full PET/CT scan and although three of the liver tumors are stable or have shrunk, there is one that has mildly progressed. The area for most concern however, as if that weren't enough, is that there is increased metabolic activity in my bones. Lovely. It means the Xeloda is no longer effective.

I do want to say that I was on Xeloda for over 9 months. That is actually much longer than most people are on the drug. That is a good thing. It means the cancer is stupid. Yay. I hope it just keeps getting dumber and dumber and dumber and then just dies.

After hearing the scan results David and I met with Philomena about her thoughts for next steps. She suggested Afinitor which is newly approved by the FDA. I still wanted a second opinion from Dr. Moulder at MD Anderson so that began a two week process of pushing to get an appointment. I went this past Thursday for the day and Dr. Moulder said it was only "mild progression" which made me feel better than the portrait Philomena was painting. David and I both took a long, deep breath. Dr. Moulder said that it was just time to switch the medication. She agreed with Philomena about Afinitor but said I should take that in conjunction with Aromasin. She also suggested that I get an oophorectomy or switch to monthly Lupron shots from the every three month injections and continue Zometa or Xgeva, the bone strengtheners every month.

Other than the stupid asshole cancer, I am doing well. Staying vegan for the most part, juicing, fasting, controlling portions, being smarter about what I put into my body...simply can't do alcohol, each time I try a glass I feel horrible later...that kind of thing. I'm also focusing on walking, yoga and I finally did a ballet class this past Saturday. I am trying with all my might and fury to get a schedule and a routine going again so I can take care of myself. For the most part I have just been focusing on kids, house and trying to figure out what the new treatment protocol will be...

This has all been sinking in. And it is all very heavy. The side effects of these drugs are much more significant. One drug has four 8.5 x 11 pages of side effects and the other has SEVEN.  I came back home from Houston and started getting my ducks further in a row.

I called Abby's school and said that I could no longer just keep her Monday through Thursday for three hours a day. I need more support. They were very helpful and are moving her up to the developmental kindergarten so she can attend school Monday through Friday from 9-2. She is really ready for the transition anyway. She starts tomorrow and we are thrilled. She is very, very excited too because her friend's sister Isa is at the DK and Abby has a girl crush on her.

Leo's schedule has been a thorn in my side. About a month ago before school started I realized that because his little body has to work harder than other boys his age he has been keeping and taking longer naps. I wasn't about to take that away so I could socialize him at school. We worked with the Director at Wilshire and after a week of back and forth we were able to get him into the MWF morning class with the younger kids. This is nothing short of miraculous and amazing. This also means he gets to keep his T/TH therapy schedule for the most part. I had to move other MWF appointments to T/TH but all in all it seems to be working out. He loves school. He is so precious.

Yesterday I went back to Tower to get the lupron, the flu shot and talk to Philomena. My blood counts were down so I had to have a neupogen shot. All those shots combined with the multiple attempts to draw blood from a vein left me poked like a pin cushion. FYI, flu shots hurt your arm since they are intramuscular so rub, rub, rub your arm!!  Overall I am starting to feel defeated in many ways. My bones and joints creak and crack constantly. I can't recoup from a cold like I use to. I had a cold about a month and a half ago and the cold is barely going away, even after antibiotics two weeks ago. My body just feels tired and run down and as if I have aged twenty years in the past two years....Bleh.

Time to focus on being well. It's time to be very, very serious. Nothing can be extemporaneous. Routine is going to be everything going forward. Slow and steady. I'll continue to purge and simplify so that I can get down to the bare bones of what is important in this life. I want to be here for my husband and my kids. I want to be a great wife and an amazing mother. That is what drives me every single day. I am not going anywhere. I have too much to do.

The following are my affirmations from Louise Hay that I am really taking to heart. I have them posted up on my bathroom mirror and I say these as I brush my teeth, etc. I am hoping that with repetition they become embedded not only into my mind but into my heart, soul and body as well.

PROBLEM		PROBABLE CAUSE		NEW THOUGHT PATTERN
Breast Problems		A refusal to nourish the self. Putting everyone else first. Over-mothering. Overprotection. Overbearing attitudes.		I am important.  I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free.
Cancer		Deep hurt. Long-standing resentment.  Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. “What the use?”		I lovingly forgive myself and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy.  I love and approve of myself.
Jaw Problems		Anger. Resentment. Desire for revenge.		I am willing to change the patterns in me that created this condition.  I love and approve of myself.  I am safe.
Lymph Problems		A warning that the mind needs to be re-centered on the essentials of life. Love and joy.		I am now totally centered in the love and joy of being alive. I flow with life. Peace of mind is mine.