Oh ugh...

Now I get it. The Xeloda is really starting to do its thing. My bones hurt and my feet and fingers are starting to get numb.  I haven't felt up to doing ballet (but also last week was incredibly busy with Leo stuff)... The most I can do these days is hiking and walking. (And even that has been a struggle)....

I had an awesome afternoon Saturday with a friend from college I haven't seen in 12 years. Holy moly. It was like I saw her yesterday. She is so incredibly supporting and nurturing. I love you Olivia!!

It is about time I start taking care of myself. I have been pushing, pushing, pushing. But I simply can't do it anymore. I am in tears as I write this. I just can't keep going on like I've been. My body hurts and I'm so very, very tired. As Olivia said, "you are very capable...maybe too capable"... I don't want to sleep or lay in bed all day because that would be depressing but it is difficult to do some basic things lately. I'm figuring out a way to get more help in here. I am going to have to step up one nanny to full time and have two full time nannies. I am so grateful that we have the means to do this even though I feel guilty about spending so much money. The fact of the matter is I have to do this for the time being so I can get well (not just stable in my very hopeful opinion) and my hubby says its okay so I need to be "okay" with that too.

Yogagirl.com Andrea Brook tells me "It's GOOD to be OKAY"...I constantly remind myself of this. If you a perfectionist you are constantly looking for "PERFECTION" but there isn't such a thing. Let go. Be OKAY with being just OKAY for a short time. 

We have talked about moving to a more family friendly street but I have reached my tipping point. We lost out on the house that would have been perfect for us in the Huntington Palisades, it went in a bidding war. That is our second loss in the past 6 months of hard core looking. Instead I am trying to make this house work better for us since we will be here for some time. I have faith that the right house will come to us and if its "meant to be then it is meant to be". Truly I do. In the meantime halting the search means ceasing the anxiety of buying, selling, moving, etc. and frees up more time in the day and makes room in my head for other things (like focusing on my own darn health)...