Friendships...and books

I had the opportunity to go away for three days on an adult trip with the hubby and some friends (two other couples).  It was a nice get-away for David and I. He got to taste lots of amazing wines, have indulgent meals, and bond with the other hubbies. At the airport I bought this book called "The Happiness Project" and started devouring it on the plane. I can't talk about it fully since I haven't finished it yet but it is a very good read. It is a book I needed to find at this time...everything is so uncertain as I push my way forward through life...

Sometimes the books you need have a way of finding you. While passing through the airport you may decide instead of buying a trash magazine to pick up a paperback to expand your mind or grow your soul or laugh out loud. Or you may revisit your home book shelf to find books that you had wanted to read at one point but never did but may now fit your life more than ever. Do yourself a favor and pick it up and read some of it just for "shits and giggles". A few paragraphs, maybe a chapter. I don't have a whole lot of free time so I tend to do that lately. I am in the process of reading three different books but haven't been able to complete a single one just yet...

Some books I may never pick up. I went through this phase of buying Shakespeare, Austen and Bronte sisters' books thinking I wanted to get back into romance classics but that has yet to come back on my radar.... (hmmm, maybe I should organize my bookshelf like this - Fun no-brain books (my favorites like Twilight, Harry Potter, Hunger Games Trilogy, um, am I a teenage girl or what?); self-help realization books, cancer research books, the classics, etc...

Back to our little vacation. We stayed in this amazing house through my friend K and her husband. I've talked about her before but K is a blond bombshell with killer style, she's well-traveled, cultured, educated and super smart, and happens to be a loving person. If she wasn't my friend I'd really, really hate her. Probably. Her life seems so perfect. I haven't been able to spend much time with her because she works, is a mom to a little girl (Abby's age), travels a ton and has a demanding social calendar! When you combine that with my (less glamorous) full plate it makes spending time together difficult... That being said, it was so nice to be able to spend such quality time with her.

The morning after we arrived I was making some breakfast in the kitchen and was very emotional, silently crying to myself (most likely since it was a quiet moment to myself being away from the chaos of home). She just happened to walk in...and I asked her for a hug. Where I then proceeded to start sobbing like a darn baby. I told her how grateful I was to be there, how hard things were at the moment, how much I miss her and how happy I am to have her friendship. We had a little crying moment and then we just stood there talking for a while about everything. We then went for a walk and it was nice to just chill out.  We proceeded to hike each morning; then each night after everyone else went to sleep we talked, had a dance party, and stayed up way too late...It was nice to bond with an old friend. I realize that I needed that time to be a girl again. Like back in my sorority days - talking, being silly, staying up past midnight, etc. etc.

I have to admit that this process of being a mom and going through treatment is often isolating and lonely. I'm positive I've written about this before. I'm focused on getting Leo the help he needs, Abby staying well and occupied and managing my treatment in addition to regular daily issues. It's hard to get support when your friends are all going through their own issues. Busy, busy, busy. Since I can't get the kind of constant support I crave, I have been looking for other ways to get it.

I've been reconnecting with old friends. Primarily since I feel I've been under "cancer's rock" for quite some time. I went to see an old friend down in Newport Beach and had a fun sleep over with her and her daughter and Abby. It was nice to catch up. I find that sometimes you really don't need to see people everyday to have a strong bond with them and still feel like no time has passed each time you meet and catch up. Plus after that I got to catch up with my dear friend A, who is also in treatment for breast cancer. I love her so much. We have a lot in common and I wish her so much strength..

When I switched Abby's preschool from the one at our Jewish temple to a mainstream school I didn't realize how much I would miss all the moms who became my support last year. I've joined a book club with a few of them (and go when I can), try to have them over for Shabbat (Friday dinner), and catch up at lunches when the schedule isn't so crazy. One of the moms in particular, M, is so caring, always texting me and checking in on me. I love meeting her for lunch, she really energizes me and makes me feel at ease. I'm happy that she has joined my sisterhood. Catching up is so fun and easy and we never talk about other people, handbags, or other nonsense. She is very real and supportive.

I had the same feeling when I saw my sorority sister M for lunch a few weeks ago.  I only get to see her once in a while because she is a working mom with two boys and a hubby who works a ton. We were commiserating how we both feel like no matter what we do it isn't enough, we aren't good at any one particular thing because we are pulled in so many different directions with all of our various responsibilities. We were laughing because friends of hers launched a website claiming to be "mothers who work, parent, and do it "all" while looking fashionable and hot. The so called "Yummy Mummy"...What a crock. Life is all about priorities. There are so many hours in a day and you have to choose how you spend those hours. I'd love to look stylish and made-up all the time but that requires minutes out of my day that I don't have...and what is my priority?

So yes, back to the real issue. I'm lonely. I try to connect with people but often people are too busy with their own lives. That doesn't make them self-absorbed; it is just a fact of life. I try my best not to take it personal.  When I can, I do connect with those friends that really make me feel good, feel at ease, and accept me as I am.

Sometimes I feel bad for poor David who is with me all the time. The author of the Happiness Project wrote about how there's an "intriguing difference in how men and women approach intimacy. Although men and women agree that sharing activities and self-disclosure are important, women's idea of an intimate moment is a face-to-face conversation while men feel close when they work or play sitting alongside someone[...]Perhaps because men have this low standard for what qualifies as intimacy, both men and women find relationships with women to be more intimate and enjoyable than those with men." My therapist has pointed this out is other ways: sometimes I just want to vent and if I try talking to David he wants to help me map out a plan to change things to make me happier. Guys try to "fix" things. Girls listen and provide constructive feedback.  This is why my female friends are so critical to me. Girlfriends have long intimate discussions, bolster your self-confidence, and help you work through your feelings. Female friends are sympathetic listeners.

It is a strange cycle for me of wanting help but not being able to ask for it. Wanting friendship but not wanting to always be the one to seek it out. Sometime the distance grows between friends. You know they are busy but you are busy too.  The question is who should be the one to reach out and connect?

Sometimes I feel like a burden. You know, the whole "cancer mom" feeling. But like Tig Notaro said in her comedy skit, "talk to me"..."someone please, just, talk to me".  Everyone is afraid to tell their problems to the cancer patient. "Oh, well...I don't have cancer but this happened"... It doesn't matter. Cancer patients need friends, they need support. I need friends, I need support. Don't stay away because you're not sure what to say. Go ahead and tell me about your problems. I'm a woman, so that means I am a sympathetic listener and I can be a great friend to you in return!!

Oh ugh...

Now I get it. The Xeloda is really starting to do its thing. My bones hurt and my feet and fingers are starting to get numb.  I haven't felt up to doing ballet (but also last week was incredibly busy with Leo stuff)... The most I can do these days is hiking and walking. (And even that has been a struggle)....

I had an awesome afternoon Saturday with a friend from college I haven't seen in 12 years. Holy moly. It was like I saw her yesterday. She is so incredibly supporting and nurturing. I love you Olivia!!

It is about time I start taking care of myself. I have been pushing, pushing, pushing. But I simply can't do it anymore. I am in tears as I write this. I just can't keep going on like I've been. My body hurts and I'm so very, very tired. As Olivia said, "you are very capable...maybe too capable"... I don't want to sleep or lay in bed all day because that would be depressing but it is difficult to do some basic things lately. I'm figuring out a way to get more help in here. I am going to have to step up one nanny to full time and have two full time nannies. I am so grateful that we have the means to do this even though I feel guilty about spending so much money. The fact of the matter is I have to do this for the time being so I can get well (not just stable in my very hopeful opinion) and my hubby says its okay so I need to be "okay" with that too.

Yogagirl.com Andrea Brook tells me "It's GOOD to be OKAY"...I constantly remind myself of this. If you a perfectionist you are constantly looking for "PERFECTION" but there isn't such a thing. Let go. Be OKAY with being just OKAY for a short time. 

We have talked about moving to a more family friendly street but I have reached my tipping point. We lost out on the house that would have been perfect for us in the Huntington Palisades, it went in a bidding war. That is our second loss in the past 6 months of hard core looking. Instead I am trying to make this house work better for us since we will be here for some time. I have faith that the right house will come to us and if its "meant to be then it is meant to be". Truly I do. In the meantime halting the search means ceasing the anxiety of buying, selling, moving, etc. and frees up more time in the day and makes room in my head for other things (like focusing on my own darn health)...