I am finding however that being mindful in my daily life has both positive and negative results (although I am sure the negatives lead to positives). Results are primarily positive because I am learning to be present in various moments throughout the day. While walking Abby to school I don't want to rush, I want to hold her little hand in mine and really stop and talk to her, listen to her, feel her little hand in mine. How does her skin feel? How does she talk about her teachers and her friends at school? What does she like? What is she curious about in her world? My meditation teacher said something like "mindfulness is the art of bringing a higher level of attention to every day things"... I am learning to be mindful. I am trying to have the same curiosity about our world the same way a toddler does... I never thought that I would be looking to Abby and Leo as my teachers.
Mindfulness is also helping me learn to listen to myself -- by which I mean my mind, my heart and my resulting emotions. I realize that what I am feeling is ANGER. I keep it together most of the time. I try to look positively at the world like Louise Hay has taught me to do. To make lemonade out of lemons. To be thankful. To be grateful. Now that I am meditating I am really examining what is coming up in my mind when I am at my most calm state. I am really agitated. I am really lonely. I am really angry. I am mad, mad, and mad. The worst part is that this anger is starting to spill out of me. I don't want to be around my friends, my family, and even the kids most of the time. I am still fully functional and in fact even more so that I previously was so I am able to mask it. The fact is that I am still DOING all of those things and doing most well (even though my heart really isn't into it most of the time). I find social situations so awkward and frankly, small talk is so unrewarding and most conversations seem trivial. Really, what I want to do is run away. I want to run away for some time and just be alone. I don't want to be a wife, a mother, a friend, I don't want to deal with a budget, or a house, or errands or whining or bath time. I just want to dive into a hole somewhere and disappear into oblivion for a while. I know that these seem like harsh or reactionary words but I am really typing out exactly how I have been feeling. I just haven't been able to identify WHAT is was I was feeling. I promised to be honest here. "Honest to blog"...
One other thing that my meditation teacher says in her CD towards the end of the session is "you are not the only one"...now she says this to mean that you are not the only one striving towards a life of ease and that we should wish ourselves well and wish others peace but it always gives me a chill when she says this out of the silence. I know I am not the only one. I know that there are many other cancer survivors who are also going through this and who HAVE already gone through this and who have prevailed. I want to get there. I want to get there now.
I found a helpful article on this topic from the Mayo Clinic (see below); maybe it will help you too.
May you be filled with loving kindness.
May you be well.
May you live a life of ease.
May you be happy.
Cancer survivors: Managing your emotions after cancer treatment
Get to know the emotions that are common for cancer survivors and how to manage your feelings. Find out what's normal and what indicates you should consider getting help.
By Mayo Clinic staff
When you began your cancer treatment, you couldn't wait for the day you'd finish. But now that you've completed your treatment, you aren't sure if you're ready for life after treatment as a cancer survivor. With your treatment completed, you'll likely see your cancer care team less often. Though you, your friends and your family are all eager to return to a more normal life, it can be scary to leave the protective cocoon of doctors and nurses who supported you through treatment.
Everything you're feeling right now is normal for cancer survivors. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about your body — it's also about healing your mind. So take time to acknowledge the fear, grief and loneliness you're feeling right now. Then take steps to understand why you feel these emotions and what you can do about them.
Fear of recurrence in cancer survivors
Fear of recurrence is very common in cancer survivors. Though they may go years without any sign of disease, cancer survivors say the thought of recurrence is always with them. You might worry that every ache or pain is a sign of your cancer recurring. Eventually these fears will fade, though they may never go away completely.
Cope with your fear by being honest with yourself about your feelings. Try not to feel guilty about your feelings or ignore them in hopes that they'll go away. Ask your doctor about what you can do to reduce your chance of a cancer recurrence. Once you've done all you can to reduce that risk, acknowledge your fears. Take control of those fears and do what you can to influence your future health. Try to:
- Take care of your body. Focus on keeping yourself healthy. Eat a healthy diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables. Fit exercise into your day. Go easy at first, but try to increase the intensity and amount of exercise you get as you recover. Get enough sleep so that you wake feeling refreshed. These actions may help your body recover from cancer treatment and also help put your mind at ease by giving you a greater sense of control over your life.
- Go to all of your follow-up appointments. You may fear the worst when it's time for your next follow-up appointment. Don't let that stop you from going. Use the time with your doctor to ask questions about any signs or symptoms that worry you. Write down your concerns and discuss them at your next appointment. Ask about your risk of recurrence and what signs and symptoms to watch for. Knowing more may help you feel more in control.
- Be open about your fears. Express your concerns to your friends, family, other cancer survivors, and your doctor or a counselor. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of discussing your fears, try recording your thoughts in a journal.
- Keep busy. Get out of the house and find activities that will take your mind off your fears.
Most cancer survivors report that the fear of recurrence fades with time. But certain events can trigger your fears. The feelings might be especially strong before follow-up visits to your doctor or the anniversary of your cancer diagnosis.
Stress in cancer survivors
When you were diagnosed with cancer, you might have focused completely on your treatment and getting healthy. Now that you've completed treatment, all those projects around the house and the things on your to-do list are competing for your attention. This can make you feel stressed and overwhelmed.
Don't feel you need to do everything at once. Take time for yourself as you establish a new daily routine. Try exercising, talking with other survivors and taking time for activities you enjoy.
Depression and anxiety in cancer survivors
Lingering feelings of sadness and anger can interfere with your daily life. For many people these feelings will dissipate. But for others, these feelings can develop into depression.
Tell your doctor about your feelings. If needed, you can be referred to someone who can help you through talk therapy, medication or both. Early diagnosis and prompt treatment are keys to successfully overcoming depression.
Self-consciousness in cancer survivors
If surgery or other treatment changed your appearance, you might feel self-conscious about your body. Changes in skin color, weight gain or loss, the loss of a limb, or the placement of an ostomy might make you feel like you'd rather stay home, away from other people. You might withdraw from friends and family. And self-consciousness can strain your relationship with your partner if you don't feel worthy of love or affection.
Take time to grieve. But also learn to focus on the ways cancer has made you a stronger person and realize that you're more than the scars that cancer has left behind. When you're more confident about your appearance, others will feel more comfortable around you.
Loneliness in cancer survivors
You might feel as if others can't understand what you've been through, which makes it hard to relate to other people and can lead to loneliness. Friends and family might be unsure of how to help you, and some people may even be afraid of you because you've had cancer.
Don't deal with loneliness on your own. Consider joining a support group with other cancer survivors who are having the same emotions you are. Contact your local chapter of the American Cancer Society for more information. Or try an online message board for cancer survivors, such as the American Cancer Society's Cancer Survivors Network.
Where to go for help
While experiencing any of these emotions is normal, that doesn't mean you have to do it alone. If you find that your feelings are overwhelming you or interfering with your everyday life, it's a good idea to consider getting some help.
Sometimes talking with friends or family can help. But you might feel like those people can't truly understand what you're going through if they haven't had cancer. You might consider consulting:
- A therapist. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a professional who can help you sort through your emotions and come up with ways to deal with your feelings.
- Other cancer survivors. Support groups, whether in your community or online, provide a great place to share your feelings and hear from others who are going through what you're experiencing. You can learn new ways of coping with fears.
Devise your own plan for coping with your emotions. You know what works best for you. Have an open mind and try different strategies to find out what works best for you.
