Friday, February 24, 2012
New Date...
New tentative surgery date is scheduled for March 12th, pending blood work and Dr. McAndrew's sign off. I'm feeling just fine and healthier every day so I'm hoping for the best. Cabo is now back on the books, we're taking the kids to La Quinta this weekend and I'm back at Ballet. Things are looking brighter. It felt good to get my feelings out so now I can move forward. Thank you for all your comments. I am feeling the love! XOXO
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
No Surgery...again.
So it's been a good two weeks since I was supposed to have the surgery which is a not-so-good three weeks of having this cold. Early last week I started coughing up green and then finally decided to take the Z-pack. I should've taken it over last weekend. I had blood work done and it came back that my white blood count was 2.1 and the normal range is 4.5-10.0. The week before the cold my count was 4.0 which is still low but not too low. The odd part about this is that if I have an infection (and why I should take anti-biotics for some kind of bacterial infection that makes me cough up something green, green indicates infection) then why is my white blood count low not high? A high white blood count indicates an infection but mine is exactly opposite. I went yesterday and after poking me THREE separate times (annoying and painful) they told me my white blood count has dropped even lower to 1.9. What gives? They drew so many tubes and are doing so many blood tests that I felt faint and was white as a sheet when I left yesterday. I am so tired of dealing with this. For one, all these tests tell me is NO surgery and that they have NO idea what is wrong with me. They estimate my surgery will be another 2-3 weeks away so my body (even though I feel so much better now) and blood can heal. My doctors want to figure out what is going on with my immune system. Well, um, let's see it is recovering from months of chemo, weeks of radiation, major surgery, a few transfusions, pregnancy and child birth; oh and running around trying to take care of kids, a house, and getting back into physical shape. I'm no doctor but gee, that would make anyone weak.
I am beyond irritated and annoyed. I don't want to talk or think about the stupid surgery for a while. We cancelled our trip to Las Ventanas because I can't fly for a month after my surgery so now I'm wondering if we just go and do the surgery after so at least we can get away (I desperately need to get away) or if I do it in the next two weeks. The way I really feel is so apathetic. Schedule it whenever since it doesn't mean it will happen anyway. I don't look forward to going to Cabo in sunny weather having to deal with Picasso boobs (one is the rock hard expander super high on my chest and the other a post-breast feeding long tube sock) in a bathing suit. Not my idea of fun.
I still can't get passed this feeling that I just don't want to do this anymore. When I say "this" I don't mean life, I'm not that dramatic or stupid. I just need a break from my life, from being sick, from being a caregiver. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but they are a lot of work. Particularly Abby. She is at a very difficult age and she has a ton of energy. She can be so incredibly sweet but requires constant entertainment and re-direction. It is exhausting. And I have full time help... I feel like I am doing nothing well at this point. I used to be able to pick up anything and be good at it. Or if I wasn't great at something I would work hard to quickly get better. Now everything I am doing in my life I have no control over and has no measurement. How do I measure how well I'm doing on my health? I'm giving up the fight to stay vegan, it's too difficult with a picky husband and two young kids. How do I measure how I'm doing as a mother? Last week I totally lost my marbles with Abby and screamed at the top of my lungs from the drivers seat for her to "put her fucking seat belt on right now"after 15 long minutes, late to school, trying to get her in the seat and get it on and I thought my heart would die when I saw her crying at my reaction. Some great mother I am.
I feel I am doing everything half ass but not on purpose. I feel my brain isn't what it used to be. I forget things a lot. Simple things. I now constantly misplace my phone, forget appointments, forget to return emails, etc. etc. I think I am just very distracted. I can't focus. I don't have a "center" anymore. It's all jumbled. I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly. I'm just not happy and I don't know how to fix it. I have a nice life so why can't I appreciate it? I feel that in my 20's I was in control of things, I was going places and doing things and making things happen. Now in my 30's I am just reacting to things that are happening to me, trying to keep the pieces of an ever shifting puzzle in place while coping the best I can. I'm tired of coping. Dr. Hayden said that after her breast cancer treatment that she felt she didn't really have anything in her "reserves" for at least two years. It took her a good two years to feel back to normal, but she never felt entirely the same again. She's not the first cancer survivor to tell me that. Look what I get to look forward to!!! I wish I could use positive thinking to change my thought patterns on life but right now I am too angry, too impatient, too selfish, too bitter, too hurt, too depressed to try.
I think I just need a little time to rest (if only I could do that and not wake up at three in the morning to a crying baby)...oh well, C'est la vie.
I am beyond irritated and annoyed. I don't want to talk or think about the stupid surgery for a while. We cancelled our trip to Las Ventanas because I can't fly for a month after my surgery so now I'm wondering if we just go and do the surgery after so at least we can get away (I desperately need to get away) or if I do it in the next two weeks. The way I really feel is so apathetic. Schedule it whenever since it doesn't mean it will happen anyway. I don't look forward to going to Cabo in sunny weather having to deal with Picasso boobs (one is the rock hard expander super high on my chest and the other a post-breast feeding long tube sock) in a bathing suit. Not my idea of fun.
I still can't get passed this feeling that I just don't want to do this anymore. When I say "this" I don't mean life, I'm not that dramatic or stupid. I just need a break from my life, from being sick, from being a caregiver. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but they are a lot of work. Particularly Abby. She is at a very difficult age and she has a ton of energy. She can be so incredibly sweet but requires constant entertainment and re-direction. It is exhausting. And I have full time help... I feel like I am doing nothing well at this point. I used to be able to pick up anything and be good at it. Or if I wasn't great at something I would work hard to quickly get better. Now everything I am doing in my life I have no control over and has no measurement. How do I measure how well I'm doing on my health? I'm giving up the fight to stay vegan, it's too difficult with a picky husband and two young kids. How do I measure how I'm doing as a mother? Last week I totally lost my marbles with Abby and screamed at the top of my lungs from the drivers seat for her to "put her fucking seat belt on right now"after 15 long minutes, late to school, trying to get her in the seat and get it on and I thought my heart would die when I saw her crying at my reaction. Some great mother I am.
I feel I am doing everything half ass but not on purpose. I feel my brain isn't what it used to be. I forget things a lot. Simple things. I now constantly misplace my phone, forget appointments, forget to return emails, etc. etc. I think I am just very distracted. I can't focus. I don't have a "center" anymore. It's all jumbled. I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly. I'm just not happy and I don't know how to fix it. I have a nice life so why can't I appreciate it? I feel that in my 20's I was in control of things, I was going places and doing things and making things happen. Now in my 30's I am just reacting to things that are happening to me, trying to keep the pieces of an ever shifting puzzle in place while coping the best I can. I'm tired of coping. Dr. Hayden said that after her breast cancer treatment that she felt she didn't really have anything in her "reserves" for at least two years. It took her a good two years to feel back to normal, but she never felt entirely the same again. She's not the first cancer survivor to tell me that. Look what I get to look forward to!!! I wish I could use positive thinking to change my thought patterns on life but right now I am too angry, too impatient, too selfish, too bitter, too hurt, too depressed to try.
I think I just need a little time to rest (if only I could do that and not wake up at three in the morning to a crying baby)...oh well, C'est la vie.
Monday, February 6, 2012
False Alarm
Over the weekend I came down with a cold...or shall I say I caught one of the kids' colds. Abby was sick then got better then Leo got sick and got better (or maybe not). Now both David and I are sick and Dr. Hayden won't do my surgery until I am back up to 100%. What's a girl to do? I have little germ magnets. I see Barbara this Wednesday to decide if I get to schedule the surgery for next week or the following week. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I just want to get this over with. I was really looking forward to a vacation too. A vacation to think only about me (even though I would be in a good amount of pain). I love my kids and all... But oh....not to constantly take care of everyone else sounds wonderful. I know that sounds terrible but it is true. I was fighting this cold over the weekend and guess what I did? Rest and eat chicken soup that someone lovingly made for me? Nope. I made broccoli soup for everyone. I then shuffled Abby around to birthday parties until finally my body said, "Uh huh!!!" sometime early Sunday afternoon. I missed an awesome Super Bowl Party. Today I schlept Abby to and from school, kept the ballet lesson I forgot to cancel but would've paid for anyway, met the awnings guy, called the black out shades guy to come fix stuff, went grocery shopping, made chicken soup and here I am. Tonight I should be resting as well but know what I'm doing? Paying bills and organizing the calendar. Plus Leo keeps waking up since he can't sleep from teething. Just another ordinary day for any mom of two I suppose. (Oh except for that stupid breast reconstruction thingy). Do I sound bitter? I think so. I sure am angry, angry, angry these days and I don't know how to handle it. Thankfully I am going to see the therapist tomorrow, I'm sure Pam will help me manage things better. I've been trying to positively think my way out of my anger but I can't seem to make it work. Sorry to dissapoint Louise Hay. I wonder if she has a book for young people with cancer managing two kids, a house and a husband. I'll have to look that up and buy it. Nighty night!
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