A Fun Break

I'm joining my husband David on a little business trip to Chicago. It's very selfish but so much fun. I'm pretty hung over today so I'm not too happy about that but I am so happy about life. Best meal of my life last night, thank you to Kristen for the recommendation. We went to a restaurant in Lincoln Park called L2O and it was amazing! It's nice to get away and have special time away as a couple. I've been reading those headlines from some of the mommy sites that talk about whether you should love your husband or your kids more. How do you choose something like that? My heart is big enough to love them all. I just love them all in different ways. Most importantly I have to leave room to love myself.  Taking time for self care. Learning to do those things guilt free and not tell myself I am being selfish. My baby group leader, Allison, talks about that all the time. Learning to know what we need to keep our batteries charged and not feeling guilty about doing those things so that we can be the best mommies we can be. So how's that for an answer. If I was writing to that magazine I'd say, I don't love my husband or my kids more, I love ME more. I have to keep myself healthy and sane so that I can be the best wife and mother I can be.

I was having a hard time with the self love concept over the past few days. A friend of mine was upset with me over a social faux pas I made and our conversation really got under my skin. I made an honest mistake and even though I explained it she was still angry. She, in her anger, made very hurtful statements and attacked my character. I understand when your feelings are hurt you may get angry but I think there is a lesson here to be learned.  Words cannot be unsaid. Sometimes we get angry and we say things we don't mean. Those words can't be taken back.  I've been thinking about what she said to me and I know I am NONE of those things.  But now I sit here thinking is that what she really thinks of me?

I found this posting on a blog titled "Happy Holidays! Now Watch What You Say Because It Can't Be Unsaid" and want to share it. I know in the past I've talked about not keeping feelings inside but there is a way to properly share your feelings yet still guard your words.

If you believe you should be able to say anything you want to others, especially the people closest to you, then you’ll end up saying things to people when you’re hurt, angry or depressed that have the potential to destroy the relationship. Your bad feelings will come and go, but that person will hear the echoes of those poisonous things you said for years to come. 

There’s a skillful in-between that separates keeping your negative feelings “locked up inside” and simply blasting people with your frustration and despair. The in-between lies in developing enough impulse control to hold your tongue just long enough to decide whether to say something and, if you determine it’s important to, then how to say something for the best possible effect. 

Impulse control means taking a pause, a deliberate and measured pause, before you say or respond to something in order to consider the implications and possible consequences of what you want to say.

What may be only a three-second pause according to the clock can be a very long time subjectively, long enough for you to consider your options and choose one deliberately based on what you think will be most helpful in the circumstances. Learning to pause before you reply prevents “snap” reactions that can make things worse by impulsively saying something hurtful to the person or by fanning the flames of anger and escalating conflict to an even higher level. 

“Getting it off your chest” may initially feel good to you, but can lead you to feel even worse about yourself when later, after you cool off, you realize you were out of line. It would be nice to prevent having to apologize by handling it well at the time. Once you’ve said something thoughtless, it’s been said. Once the bell has been rung, you can’t un-ring it.

I know that I am a good hearted and loving person. I am not a hurtful person. I know that I made a mistake even if in my mind it was unintentional. I would never purposely do something to hurt my friend and I told her that. There was nothing I could do but apologize for my oversight. I hope she can understand. But now I have to, in turn, move on and try to forget her words.

I am reading about meditation and trying to do it. It seems like it should be so SIMPLE. Sit still and not think. Sit still and not be distracted. Sit still and listen to your breath. And yet I have the hardest time doing it. Learning to meditate is really stressing me out!  Ha ha ha.

I got a bad phone call from Karla at Dr. McAndrew's office. Our insurance company has decided not to cover the PET part of my PET/CT scan. They only want to cover the CAT scan which scans from my chin to my pelvis. The whole purpose of the scan was because I've been complaining for months about dull headaches. I don't know if they are from the lupron or the tamoxifen or from cancer. Every time I tell Dr. McAndrew about it she asks "when was your last brain MRI?"...ugh, that never makes me feel good. Seriously, almost every visit she does that. The issue is I can't have another brain MRI until the expander is out and I have my final reconstruction surgery.  I want to know how a CAT scan of my abdomen will tell me if cancer has spread to my brain? Oh, right, it doesn't!!!! This is where the insurance nightmare starts. The PET is out of policy unless the CAT scan reveals something abnormal. Oh wonderful.  FUN TIMES!!

Well I'm not going to think about that anymore since David just returned from his meetings and now it's time to go explore around town.