In a nutshell, my youngest brother, who was staying with us, as it turns out was hiding a terrible, painful secret. His secret was exposed when I started to find cups of alcohol around his room, then bottles of vodka in his nightstand... I told him it wasn't acceptable to drink on his own and then be around the kids. First it was "I don't have a problem", then it was "well, I bought it myself", then it was "yes, I have a problem and I will go to AA" -- which didn't happen-- then finally it was "I fell off the bike careening down Westridge because I had been drinking". We thought that woke him up and we drove him to AA meetings. It seemed he detoxed and it seemed he was getting things in his life together but after my mom paid thousands of dollars to fix his cracked teeth from his bicycle accident she found bottles upon empty bottles hiding under the bed (about 13) of wine stolen from David's wine cellar. We knew he needed help. Alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholics will do everything possible to protect their alcohol. I do not judge him. I cannot judge him. I've never been so addicted to something that I was willing to destroy my life, my loved ones, my opportunities, and my future.
I was upset. I was mad. I was angry. I was betrayed. I was all those things and more but I love my brother. I wanted him to get help but how? I have too much on my plate. He had exhausted all of his resources and we were his last chance. We got smart and called Al-anon. There are angels everywhere fighting all kids of diseases. The men and women at AA and Al-anon are no exception. They helped us get wise. They helped us help ourselves in order to help him. We got the entire family involved. My sister called relatives and informed them. Everyone had to know what was going on so that he couldn't lie to any one of us anymore. My father found him a rehab facility that would take him and take his government relief. What is interesting is that you may feel that someone has hit their "rock bottom" but they might disagree. They're willing to dig out the rocks and keep going until they tunnel their way to the magma at the Earth's core. Sometimes you have to turn things over to the professionals who know how to handle these things.
That was two months of my life I spent trying to help my brother. In the meantime there was swimming lessons monday through friday, school functions, and every day life events. It seems like a short time to help someone but now I know I did everything I could to help him. He refused to help himself or simply was unable to relinquish the control alcohol had over him. I have no guilt, no shame that I didn't try my best. That I didn't do everything possible to help him. His life is up to him now. I went out of my way even though I already had too much on my plate. It was a very important time in my marriage too. For me to know that I was able to help my brother with the support of my husband was so critical. That my husband and I could communicate about it and decide together what we were willing to do and willing to tolerate made us stronger.
In other news, I am still meditating and just finished the last class of my six week session. Being mindful has helped me through the difficult times the past two months. I am still having my ups and downs but I find I care less about focusing on them or talking about them. One of the helpful terms I learned in our meditation classes is RAIN - it is intended to be used when we're suffering.
R = Recognize
Pause and recognize that you are experiencing suffering or a difficult emotion
A = Accept
Accept and allow the suffering or emotion without judgment
I = Investigate
Ask yourself why you are experiencing the suffering or emotion. What is going on? Is the situation itself causing your suffering or is there a larger source of suffering impacting other aspects of your life? This is to be done without judgment. It is simply about what "is".
N = Not identify
We acknowledge that what we are experiencing is not a reflection of who we are. It does not define us. It is not our persona; it does not make up our identity.
I'm working on finding out what truly makes me happy. I'm working on simplifying my life, my family's life and our lifestyle. We are exploring the possibility of selling our house to move somewhere where the kids can have sidewalks and walk to stores or the park. We have to sacrifice views and a house we built from scratch so it's a total mixed bag but I am excited and hopeful that we find something that makes all of us happy. I am also getting excited for our month away in East Hampton.
I'm still struggling a bit but it isn't worth elaborating on. I'm finding my way on things, trying to stay positive when it feels authentic, staying fully present so I can enjoy life more. I took the kids to San Diego to lego land and Sea World and it was really great and we want to go back again soon. Leo loved the Shamu show. He was clapping his hands and signing for "MORE" and squealing with glee. So precious. Abby loved all the rides which makes me happy because I need someone to go on the crazy rides with me at Magic Mountain when the kids are older.
I just read Dr. Suess' "Oh, the Places You'll Go" to Abby over the past two nights for bedtime reading. It is very serendipitous. It sums up life so well. We will all be faced with challenges, we all experience change but how we react to life's ups and downs is the only thing we can control.
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on y our way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
