Not so great today

Last night I slept in the guest room cause I kept waking up and couldn't fall asleep and didn't want to keep poor David up all night. Around midnight, I woke up scratching the area around my port. Bad idea. The skin is already so tender there that I really messed it up. It looks like I have big welts there now. Then, at some point in the middle of the night, something bit me on my left hand. Now, we all know, the arachnid species' fascination with me lately. I can't tell if it was a spider for sure but it doesn't look like a spider bite or mosquito bite since there isn't a little welt in the middle. Just two small round and raised itchy patches. Anyway, I did wake up scratching those in the morning. Lovely.  I also woke up vaguely remembering my dream of being back in college and my political science professor asking me out to lunch. The lunch appointment was at 12:15 and at 12:13 I had carefully chosen my outfit but decided to borrow my roommate's metallic green Sue London flats (right off her feet while we were walking to campus). There are so many "yeah rights" in that dream that I don't even care to elaborate... And no, I never dated any of my professors at Berkeley!!

Went with Abby to class. Her favorite. Miss Nancy at Brentwood Presbyterian. She doesn't understand that she's jewish yet. :-)  Anyway, we did that from 9-11 then went to get a bagel at Noah's for her. Came around 11:30 and I was supposed to leave at 11:45 for acupuncture. I just hit the wall. I sat upstairs for 15 minutes with my eyes closed. I made all these appointments in the beginning without really understanding what I was getting myself into. Now I have to forego lunch and a nap that I could already tell I desperately needed to drive over to Tao of Wellness to sit there and have acupuncture. It was at that moment that I started feeling like "I just don't think I can do this"... Overwhelmed. Over-scheduled. Tired. Exhausted. Hungry. And then I started doubting whether I really needed the acupuncture or the Chinese herbs or the wellness checks with Dr. Kumiko and Dr. Mao...

I forced myself to get there and waited in the lobby. Dr. Kumiko, the very young, peaceful and happy, acupuncturist from Japan, walked in the door and I just started to cry. She is the nicest person in the world. I wish I felt that happy and at peace. I unloaded my feelings on her and immediately felt a little better. I asked her if the spider in my mouth was a bad sign or something. She just laughed and said that it's just a little creature that lost it's way. That made me laugh. She checked my pulse and inspected my tongue. They she said she wanted to give me extra herbs for energy and a cream for my skin. Now I have sixteen thousand five hundred eighty seven supplements to take a day. She started the acupuncture that I do feel hurt a little more than usual today. The one needle in my lower left calf (where she says a major energy source is) was throbbing the entire session while I laid there.  I was on my way an hour later. David was out of shirts and was forced to buy new ones when he traveled this week so I decided that since I was on that side of town I would drop off the dry cleaning. 17 shirts later I was back in the car on my way home.  Electricity by OMD came on First Wave and that gave me an energy boost.

Sharon called me on my way home since I sent her a "I don't think I can do this" email and I started crying again when I talked to her. What a cry baby. She promised to come over this evening and help me sort things out.  I am thankful that I have someone I can relate to during this struggle.

I came home and had a talk with our nanny. There was some confusion over the weekend about hours and money and so there was a little issue that needed to be talked over. I didn't really have the energy to do so but there's no one else to deal with it so I just decided to do it immediately when I got home instead of taking my nap.  We talked and straightened things out and set up a new schedule to start next week so there is no more confusion. That took a load off. I really don't want to have to search for a new nanny when she is very capable and takes great care of Abby.  So I finally start making my lunch after that and Abby wakes up. Against my better judgement I go get her from her crib and postpone my lunch. She comes downstairs with me and by the time I make my lunch and get upstairs it's already 3pm.  I eat and watch Oprah. After I finish it feels too late for a nap but I lay down anyway and just let my mind wander.  That's why I can't sleep. My mind just does not want to cooperate.

I need to get Lorraine over here hopefully next week to help me with the meditation. Oh and another thing I just realized... David is out of town this weekend for his friend's wedding in Boston. My sister is out of town this weekend too. I do have Roxana, thankfully, so it may still be workable.

I wish I could accurately explain how I feel. The woman on Oprah today was explaining how her HIV positive status changed her life. She said she had a new level of normal. I suppose I am adjusting to my own "new level of normal".  It's a hard transition. Today I just didn't feel that strong. I felt defeated. I felt alone. I felt tired. I felt overwhelmed. I don't feel like I can be a sufficient mother. I don't feel like I can be present as a wife. I'm depressed I won't be able to breastfeed my little boy.  Will I make it past the 5 year mark? The ten year mark?  Do I have a significantly shorter expiration date? These are the bad feelings that I am trying to suppress and today they just got the best of me. I don't really think these things all day long or wallow in them, I'm not generally a depressive personality, but they are there and I do struggle with them from time to time.

Dinner has arrived and Sharon will be here soon. Thank you for listening. It means a lot to me.