I was really angry when Ben passed away. I was really angry when I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not the most religious of people but I do feel that G-d is present and works in my life. I didn't understand why He would let these things happen to me. What did I do? Did or do I deserve this in some way? Am I being punished for something? Seriously, what the heck?
Whenever I have a spiritual crisis I talk to my mom. She is a deeply spiritual person who loves G-d, reads her bible and has a connection to nature, creatures and people. She is beautiful inside and out. Whenever I had a problem of moral or emotional climate I would call her and she would quote me a scripture and pray with me. I've strayed from that since I entered the work force but I was always comforted by the fact that if I did have some huge problem she and her guidance were there for me.
When I was still trying to process the news of my diagnosis I asked my mom why He would do this. Didn't we sacrifice enough by losing our first born son? I'm generally a nice person. I take care of myself and other people. I'm not doing sinister and crazy things. She just looked at me and said, "I don't think He works like that"... He is not a vengeful G-d. He does not do things to spite his creations. He also doesn't cause and can't prevent every bad thing that befalls people. It has taken me a while to process that message. It's just been sitting there in my head percolating.
I am having a hard time lately. I am doing a lot and I'm pretty exhausted. To top it off, even though I am exhausted beyond all belief I can't necessarily sleep because my mind is racing and won't slow down. One of the things I've thought about it G-d and that message my mom told me. I am not blaming Him for my cancer. I am not blaming Him for not protecting Ben. I am not blaming him for the bad things that happen to me. What I have resolved to do is find the good in the bad. I have resolved to see the silver lining in all of my challenging situations. I have resolved to thank Him for those good things and be positive and be gracious.
Thank you Lord for an amazing, caring, generous, kind, loving, handsome, brave and fun husband. Thank you Lord for the most gorgeous, crazy, intelligent, crystal blue-eyed daughter who challenges me every chance she gets but has the most wonderful bravado. Thank you Lord for giving me two amazing months with my beautiful son Bennett. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be present here and now, for allowing me to be healthy despite breast cancer. Thank you for the ability to breathe, to move, to eat, to think, to sing, to talk so that I can nourish this tiny baby warrior that is growing within me. Thank you Lord for blessing us with the opportunity to raise another son despite our fears resulting from the loss our first. Thank you Lord for my family members that are supportive and available for me in my time of need and for the fact that they have always been there for me even in the slightest of ways. Thank you Lord for truly unbelievable friends and neighbors that have become our extended family, who, despite their own incredibly busy lives, have and continue to make themselves available to us over and over again. For all these things and so much more I am grateful.
Please Lord help me through this struggle. Help me have the strength to continue to move forward, to be present as a wife, to be present as a mother, to be present as a daughter, a sister and a friend despite what challenges fighting this disease brings me. I can't do this alone. I need His help and I need the help and love of my family and friends. I will get through this. I will beat this disease.
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