I just had a moment 15 minutes ago where I was looking over at the baby monitor checking on Abby while she was napping and felt so very blessed. I am so blessed to have this wonderful family. An amazing, supportive husband and two beautiful babies. My heart is so full. I think people hope for a life like this. I know I did for a very long time. Despite having cancer I have been very blessed in this lifetime. I am starting to understand more now about God giving you only what you can handle. I wasn't able to understand it before because I was still so angry. I feel that God wants me to be a beacon for SIDS and for breast cancer. If I am able to help others who have been affected by either of these traumas then I know I am doing honorable work. Then I know my life has a more wonderful purpose than the rewarding role of being a mother and wife. Cancer you will not break me, cancer you will die and I will live. I will live a bigger, more passionate, more fulfilling life and you will be dead and gone.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
BIrd's Eye View
I had to take a break from the blog for a while and may still do so for the time being. I feel like I was complaining too much and am really on a negative streak. I don't like that bird's eye view of things. I need to find my happy place. I need to get a fresh perspective. I am starting to feel better physically but I need to feel better mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They are all so intertwined. I feel I have always been such an upbeat and happy person but reading back over my past blogs I realize I have lost that perspective. I could always find humor in situations and try to make lemonade out of lemons. I started out with such vigor to heal myself and rid my body of this cancer. It has sucked the majority of my life force. I need some time to get back to that happy place. I've been battling depression since the surgery and I want to get out of it without the use of even more drugs in my body. I am going to focus on what makes me happy and do only that for a while.
Sharon was telling me that there was another young mom that was diagnosed with breast cancer recently and she is 6 months pregnant. If I were to meet her or anyone who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer I would probably tell them to expect to be rocked to their core. Expect to be challenged with such intensity that you forget where you came from, who you are and who you want to be. That the fight to beat cancer can be so physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining that sometimes you feel like you can't go on even when you see the happy smiles of your amazing children, spouse, family and friends. You have to continue to generate your own will to survive. YOU have to do it. No one can do it for you. You must be a cancer warrior and battle your toughest demons. I feel I am doing this. NO, I KNOW I am doing that. I feel I will be a stronger and better person for having fought this disease but it's not over yet. It's almost over but sometimes the end still feels so far. I know I will get through this but I want to find a way to cross the finish line with my wits about me too. That will be the ultimate goal. Things are starting to get better, I must trust that they are.
Until later...all my love, Jess
Sharon was telling me that there was another young mom that was diagnosed with breast cancer recently and she is 6 months pregnant. If I were to meet her or anyone who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer I would probably tell them to expect to be rocked to their core. Expect to be challenged with such intensity that you forget where you came from, who you are and who you want to be. That the fight to beat cancer can be so physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining that sometimes you feel like you can't go on even when you see the happy smiles of your amazing children, spouse, family and friends. You have to continue to generate your own will to survive. YOU have to do it. No one can do it for you. You must be a cancer warrior and battle your toughest demons. I feel I am doing this. NO, I KNOW I am doing that. I feel I will be a stronger and better person for having fought this disease but it's not over yet. It's almost over but sometimes the end still feels so far. I know I will get through this but I want to find a way to cross the finish line with my wits about me too. That will be the ultimate goal. Things are starting to get better, I must trust that they are.
Until later...all my love, Jess
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Bleh
I don't like Mother's day. Holidays are for when you are well and have energy to spoil yourself and others. And with Holidays come expectations and I always (pessimistically) felt that if you have expectations you'll just be let down. I know how apathetic that sounds. It's like my birthday, the day is usually a let down. Anyway, I don't have a lot of energy to do things (for myself or others, I used to be so awesome in that department when I had my wits about me). Because of what is going on I do have a lot of guilt which I know I am not supposed to but I can't help it. It's a bad cycle. My poor mom and mother-in-law are over here taking care of the babies and I can't help. It really frustrates me. I wish I could honor them and let them know how much I appreciate them and everything they are doing. But what can I do? They look so tired. Abby is precocious and Leo is a 21 pound sack of potatoes and everyone who is taking care of him is hurting their back. I feel like when I say "thank you" the words fall flat and don't seem to be enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! From the bottom of my heart I appreciate all that you do. Mom's and Grandma's are the best.
The one thing I will say that made me happy today is that I used my good arm to hold the baby for about one minute and Abby for another minute later in the day. I keep thinking how much I cannot wait to be able to hold them and squeeze them against my chest and give them proper hugs. Hugs that only a mommy can give you. My mom gives me those. She always tells me "I can't get you anything" but what she gives me is so much better than any thing you could ever possibly buy. In fact it isn't anything you could buy. She loves me and she takes care of me like only she can. She does her very best and for that I am so thankful. I wouldn't be who I am without her. I couldn't be healing myself without her. Mom, I love you and all that you do. Thank you for being here 24/7 to take care of me. I am so happy to have the relationship with you that I do now. I know we've had to work on that and we've had our ups and downs but you are the most beautiful person inside and out and I'm lucky to have you as my mom. Next Mother's day we'll get back to our normal Mother's day breakfasts with you and Grandma and Lindsey (and now Abby) for the usual Hoff's Hut brunch. Bleh...(about the food) but I'll be smiling with glee for sure that we are all together. XOXOXOXOXO
The one thing I will say that made me happy today is that I used my good arm to hold the baby for about one minute and Abby for another minute later in the day. I keep thinking how much I cannot wait to be able to hold them and squeeze them against my chest and give them proper hugs. Hugs that only a mommy can give you. My mom gives me those. She always tells me "I can't get you anything" but what she gives me is so much better than any thing you could ever possibly buy. In fact it isn't anything you could buy. She loves me and she takes care of me like only she can. She does her very best and for that I am so thankful. I wouldn't be who I am without her. I couldn't be healing myself without her. Mom, I love you and all that you do. Thank you for being here 24/7 to take care of me. I am so happy to have the relationship with you that I do now. I know we've had to work on that and we've had our ups and downs but you are the most beautiful person inside and out and I'm lucky to have you as my mom. Next Mother's day we'll get back to our normal Mother's day breakfasts with you and Grandma and Lindsey (and now Abby) for the usual Hoff's Hut brunch. Bleh...(about the food) but I'll be smiling with glee for sure that we are all together. XOXOXOXOXO
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Looking brighter
Finally, some good news. Dr. Hayden said my skin looks to be healing. It's still bruised in parts but she feels that underneath it is healing and happy and will eventually push out and replace the bruised part. Oh yeah. Happy dance!
Second, she says that I do not need to be worried about inflating the expander prior to radiation. She wants my skin graft and incision scar to fully heal before we pump up it up. Not to worry about timing she said if the radiation oncologist (I'm meeting my first at St. John's on Tuesday morning) wants me to start the radiation mapping process sooner (4 weeks post surgery rather than letting me wait until 6 weeks post surgery) that it will be okay. Barbara says we did the hardest part already which was creating a "pocket" for the final implant under the chest wall muscle and using the flex HD. Apparently we can go up two cup sizes even after radiation. I was under the wrong impression. Good news.
I feel so elated. I feel like I can breathe easier. I feel much more relaxed now. Today I am taking the day off, no doctor appointments, no visitors, just chill time. Tomorrow I have my echocardiogram at St. John's, fingers crossed that they figure out how to do it and not go anywhere near my incision scar!!
Second, she says that I do not need to be worried about inflating the expander prior to radiation. She wants my skin graft and incision scar to fully heal before we pump up it up. Not to worry about timing she said if the radiation oncologist (I'm meeting my first at St. John's on Tuesday morning) wants me to start the radiation mapping process sooner (4 weeks post surgery rather than letting me wait until 6 weeks post surgery) that it will be okay. Barbara says we did the hardest part already which was creating a "pocket" for the final implant under the chest wall muscle and using the flex HD. Apparently we can go up two cup sizes even after radiation. I was under the wrong impression. Good news.
I feel so elated. I feel like I can breathe easier. I feel much more relaxed now. Today I am taking the day off, no doctor appointments, no visitors, just chill time. Tomorrow I have my echocardiogram at St. John's, fingers crossed that they figure out how to do it and not go anywhere near my incision scar!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
One small step ahead...???
I was a little freaked out that I couldn't finish the complete course of home antibiotics but Dr. McAndrew said my arm looks great and that I'm fine to stop them (even the two pill forms that I was taking in lieu of the more powerful IV form). Hooray! Small victory today.
In other news I had to get my "raging bitch" shot today. That's the lupron shot. It was a pain in the butt. Literally. You can use your imagination on that one. Anyway, I will be getting the lupron shot monthly for 3-6 months and thereafter once every 3 months. Let's add that to my to do list!
I'd like to thank JDR for taking me to my McAndrew appointment today on last minute notice. She's the perfect doctor appointment companion because she's always thinking of questions I should be asking (good ones that don't occur to me myself) and she is a major multi-tasker. Mostly JDR or as I like to call her, Jeanne Marie, asks me a ton of questions that I don't usually have good answers to that I end up asking McAndrew or some other medical professional). Anyway, it occurred to me that I should be interviewing radiation oncologists since I need to start radiation fairly soon. McAndrew wanted to make sure that if I go to Santa Monica for radiation that the location have the most up-to-date equipment (I want to go to Santa Monica for the obvious reason of not wanting to cross east of the 405 in traffic to Beverly Hills five days a week for six straight weeks...bleh). McAndrew described it as making sure we have the best machines that can analyze and calculate the necessary geometry that will target the breast area but not go anywhere near my heart. I kind of need that to survive over the long haul. JDR called around and got that taken care of for me in a jiffy. St John's in Santa Monica has the same equipment as the Center for Radiation Therapy in Beverly Hills, FYI, as far as breast radiation is concerned. I will meet my first radiation oncologist next Tuesday morning.
Apparently I missed doing an echocardiogram when I was first diagnosed. An ECHO is an ultrasound of your heart. There was an order placed by McAndrew but apparently I was never actually told to get it done or it was never scheduled by her office. Niiiiiiiice. That being said, I have to get another, or rather, my first ECHO done prior to starting radiation. Of course, I have no idea how they will take an ultrasound of my heart without firmly running and pressing a probe with sloppy gel all over my now recovering mastectomy incision and barely healed skin graft? Son of a biscuit that does not make me happy at all. I am gritting my teeth right now with dread.
McAndrew also informed me that she wants me to take a pill form of chemotherapy while I am receiving radiation therapy. She said it is proving to be more effective than radiation alone, however, it does intensify the side effects of radiation. Lovely. If I thought I was going to feel a little sunburned from the radiation, it will now be like I've been baking in the hot desert sun slathered in baby oil like all those idiots used to do in the 80's before we discovered a little thing called melanoma. WTF. The pill is called Xeloda and she said it was the pill form of 5-FU which was part of my original FEC-100 chemo treatment when I was pregnant. That brings my final total to 1) Lupron shots + 2) 5-FU pills + 3) radiation. Somehow the math doesn't compute. I feel like there's something she isn't telling me. I really feel like she is throwing in everything but the kitchen sink. Why is that? I don't like feeling like that. And let's not forget that after radiation I will immediately start the tamoxifen which I will take for a total of five years. I'm getting a little overwhelmed here.
Speaking of dread, well not really, more like dull anticipation and faint hope that it won't be the case...I go see Barbara Hayden tomorrow to see if she will have to remove that piece of skin graft and re-close my incision. She explains that if that were to happen I can do it under "local" and have it done in her office. She would just have to take "a small triangle" piece. That really does not make me happy. It seems to be healing and she said it is a waiting game BUT she is leaving town Wednesday and I have to start radiation soon so we don't have time to waste. If she doesn't like the way it looks I imagine I will have a procedure done tomorrow to fix it. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
And another thing that is up in the air because of this "healing skin" issue is the fact that I still have to "pump up" the expander with saline to the appropriate bra cup size. I have to be finished with the expansion process BEFORE I start radiation. It has to do with the geometry of the radiation process. Once they start I can't do anything more to the breast area. So that's another thing "we", meaning my medical team, have to figure out. McAndrew said that all these things will be discussed with her, Barbara Hayden, and the radiation oncologist to determine that proper balance of how long I can wait to heal and do the expansion process vs. how quickly I need to just move forward to the next step.
Sometimes it hits me just how scary all of this is and how I'm not really out of the woods yet nor am I at mile 25 of this stupid f-ing marathon. Just had one of those moments typing about all the things that are still left to do. Every time I feel like I am closer to the end, I realize how I am just like a donkey with a carrot tied on a stick in front of them. I am continually chasing the proverbial carrot. Hee haw. Hee haw. I'm a dawwwnkeeeeey (that's said a la Kenneth from 30Rock style).
What hurts right now the most is my stupid left arm from the "axillary lymph node dissection" - aka removal of level 1 and 2 nodes in my arm pit. I mean what did they do exactly when they took my lymph nodes out? What did I need my lymph nodes for anyway (my mom asked me that)? And will it ever stop feeling so numb? Here's a little instructional video I found that helped me figure out the first question...this is mainly for you doctor wanna-be folks like Ashley. If you aren't a doctor type do not, I repeat, DO NOT continue to Chapter Two after watching the first video on anatomy I am linking you to. Take my word on that. Alright? Later on I'll explain why I need lymph nodes. We need a lesson on lymph nodes. The answer to the final question is that I may not regain full sensation in that arm pit because the nodes are close to a major nerve that can get damaged in surgery. The numbness could make shaving the arm pit dangerous or impossible. Or alternatively, it could make laser hair removal a real breeze. No need for numbing spray! For all you Billy Madison fans..."If you're going to stay home today, you can can help me shave my arm pits!"
Anyway because my arm hurts I haven't been great about doing my physical therapy exercises. I do some but not a lot because I don't want to hurt the healing of my incisions either. I'll have to ask Dr. Hayden about that tomorrow. Jeeez, it's like walking a fucking tight rope. I really, really would like to just fast forward to next summer please.
So things to do 1) explain the lymphatic system to myself and those that want to know and 2) write the "how-to" manual on chemotherapy and being bald. My scalp is doing so nicely this second time around. I knew what to expect and how to manage it. A surgeon's scrub brush is key.
Sorry for the cynicism in tonight's post. I suppose I am just feeling a little jaded!!
In other news I had to get my "raging bitch" shot today. That's the lupron shot. It was a pain in the butt. Literally. You can use your imagination on that one. Anyway, I will be getting the lupron shot monthly for 3-6 months and thereafter once every 3 months. Let's add that to my to do list!
I'd like to thank JDR for taking me to my McAndrew appointment today on last minute notice. She's the perfect doctor appointment companion because she's always thinking of questions I should be asking (good ones that don't occur to me myself) and she is a major multi-tasker. Mostly JDR or as I like to call her, Jeanne Marie, asks me a ton of questions that I don't usually have good answers to that I end up asking McAndrew or some other medical professional). Anyway, it occurred to me that I should be interviewing radiation oncologists since I need to start radiation fairly soon. McAndrew wanted to make sure that if I go to Santa Monica for radiation that the location have the most up-to-date equipment (I want to go to Santa Monica for the obvious reason of not wanting to cross east of the 405 in traffic to Beverly Hills five days a week for six straight weeks...bleh). McAndrew described it as making sure we have the best machines that can analyze and calculate the necessary geometry that will target the breast area but not go anywhere near my heart. I kind of need that to survive over the long haul. JDR called around and got that taken care of for me in a jiffy. St John's in Santa Monica has the same equipment as the Center for Radiation Therapy in Beverly Hills, FYI, as far as breast radiation is concerned. I will meet my first radiation oncologist next Tuesday morning.
Apparently I missed doing an echocardiogram when I was first diagnosed. An ECHO is an ultrasound of your heart. There was an order placed by McAndrew but apparently I was never actually told to get it done or it was never scheduled by her office. Niiiiiiiice. That being said, I have to get another, or rather, my first ECHO done prior to starting radiation. Of course, I have no idea how they will take an ultrasound of my heart without firmly running and pressing a probe with sloppy gel all over my now recovering mastectomy incision and barely healed skin graft? Son of a biscuit that does not make me happy at all. I am gritting my teeth right now with dread.
McAndrew also informed me that she wants me to take a pill form of chemotherapy while I am receiving radiation therapy. She said it is proving to be more effective than radiation alone, however, it does intensify the side effects of radiation. Lovely. If I thought I was going to feel a little sunburned from the radiation, it will now be like I've been baking in the hot desert sun slathered in baby oil like all those idiots used to do in the 80's before we discovered a little thing called melanoma. WTF. The pill is called Xeloda and she said it was the pill form of 5-FU which was part of my original FEC-100 chemo treatment when I was pregnant. That brings my final total to 1) Lupron shots + 2) 5-FU pills + 3) radiation. Somehow the math doesn't compute. I feel like there's something she isn't telling me. I really feel like she is throwing in everything but the kitchen sink. Why is that? I don't like feeling like that. And let's not forget that after radiation I will immediately start the tamoxifen which I will take for a total of five years. I'm getting a little overwhelmed here.
Speaking of dread, well not really, more like dull anticipation and faint hope that it won't be the case...I go see Barbara Hayden tomorrow to see if she will have to remove that piece of skin graft and re-close my incision. She explains that if that were to happen I can do it under "local" and have it done in her office. She would just have to take "a small triangle" piece. That really does not make me happy. It seems to be healing and she said it is a waiting game BUT she is leaving town Wednesday and I have to start radiation soon so we don't have time to waste. If she doesn't like the way it looks I imagine I will have a procedure done tomorrow to fix it. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
And another thing that is up in the air because of this "healing skin" issue is the fact that I still have to "pump up" the expander with saline to the appropriate bra cup size. I have to be finished with the expansion process BEFORE I start radiation. It has to do with the geometry of the radiation process. Once they start I can't do anything more to the breast area. So that's another thing "we", meaning my medical team, have to figure out. McAndrew said that all these things will be discussed with her, Barbara Hayden, and the radiation oncologist to determine that proper balance of how long I can wait to heal and do the expansion process vs. how quickly I need to just move forward to the next step.
Sometimes it hits me just how scary all of this is and how I'm not really out of the woods yet nor am I at mile 25 of this stupid f-ing marathon. Just had one of those moments typing about all the things that are still left to do. Every time I feel like I am closer to the end, I realize how I am just like a donkey with a carrot tied on a stick in front of them. I am continually chasing the proverbial carrot. Hee haw. Hee haw. I'm a dawwwnkeeeeey (that's said a la Kenneth from 30Rock style).
What hurts right now the most is my stupid left arm from the "axillary lymph node dissection" - aka removal of level 1 and 2 nodes in my arm pit. I mean what did they do exactly when they took my lymph nodes out? What did I need my lymph nodes for anyway (my mom asked me that)? And will it ever stop feeling so numb? Here's a little instructional video I found that helped me figure out the first question...this is mainly for you doctor wanna-be folks like Ashley. If you aren't a doctor type do not, I repeat, DO NOT continue to Chapter Two after watching the first video on anatomy I am linking you to. Take my word on that. Alright? Later on I'll explain why I need lymph nodes. We need a lesson on lymph nodes. The answer to the final question is that I may not regain full sensation in that arm pit because the nodes are close to a major nerve that can get damaged in surgery. The numbness could make shaving the arm pit dangerous or impossible. Or alternatively, it could make laser hair removal a real breeze. No need for numbing spray! For all you Billy Madison fans..."If you're going to stay home today, you can can help me shave my arm pits!"
Anyway because my arm hurts I haven't been great about doing my physical therapy exercises. I do some but not a lot because I don't want to hurt the healing of my incisions either. I'll have to ask Dr. Hayden about that tomorrow. Jeeez, it's like walking a fucking tight rope. I really, really would like to just fast forward to next summer please.
So things to do 1) explain the lymphatic system to myself and those that want to know and 2) write the "how-to" manual on chemotherapy and being bald. My scalp is doing so nicely this second time around. I knew what to expect and how to manage it. A surgeon's scrub brush is key.
Sorry for the cynicism in tonight's post. I suppose I am just feeling a little jaded!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Happy Birthday to me!
Great day today with my family. Leo was delicious today flirting with Momma. Abby was precious watching donald duck cartoons with Momma in bed. Lots of emails, texts and facebook messages that made my day. Thank you all for that. It was a better day than I imagined.
Seeing Dr. McAndrew tomorrow and Dr. Hayden Tuesday. I'm feeling pretty good. More and more movement in my arm and I'm able to do some of my physical therapy exercises. I've weaned myself off of the pain killers and am forging ahead! All systems go!!
Seeing Dr. McAndrew tomorrow and Dr. Hayden Tuesday. I'm feeling pretty good. More and more movement in my arm and I'm able to do some of my physical therapy exercises. I've weaned myself off of the pain killers and am forging ahead! All systems go!!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
infections, iv's and shots, oh my!
in the final hour i decided against the hickman line. or a PICC line. i am tired of having foreign objects in my body. seriously. although i do have an expander in my formerly-known-as left breast. anyway, remember how excited i was about the fact that no one would be poking my port again? so why would i want another catheter?!?! i thought about it and since i'm doing better now the risks outweigh the benefits of having minor surgery to get a catheter. just for an additional 4 more days of a seven day course of iv antibiotics? that's nuts. if i need additional surgery related to the mastectomy i can just get an iv. screw it. all i needed was one more iv (well, actually two but was trying to stretch the one) to finish the iv antibiotics. yesterday and today the iv was hurting. i tried to ignore it but after this morning i decided to just take it out. (thank you sharon!) but even if the iv went bad one or two days early it is at least equivalent to 5 days of antibiotics. dr. hayden said that i can just continue to the pill form antibiotics until i see dr. mcandrew on monday. phew.
also on monday - i get my lupron shot. oh yay for me. something to look forward to. as dr. mcandrew explained one of the next steps in my fight against this breast cancer is to target the hormones. my tumor was estrogen receptor positive. that means estrogen (and stress) are fuel for the fire. she wants to use tamoxifen to shut down estrogen production and she wants to use lupron to tell my brain to shut down my ovaries. sharon came over to drop off food and reminded me that lupron may make me crazy. or actually she said "watch out" cause lupron can make me a raging bitch or so she's heard. oh ugh. i mean how can i be even more of a crazy person that I already am?
turning 35 tomorrow. doesn't feel like my birthday. i do not feel like celebrating anything. i mean how can i properly celebrate anything? i want to pretend it is just another day and chill out. i know it is a "milestone" birthday but i prefer to celebrate my birthday at disneyland with my family like i did last year and i can't do that right now so i'll just pretend it's not happening. i'll have a 35th birthday next year when i turn 36. shhhhhh. i usually use my birthday as an excuse to take stock of my life and reflect on things i have accomplished and make plans for the future. let's hold off on that for a little bit.
i'm lying in bed right now. i still have to lay here so my "boo boo" can continue to heal and so I hopefully won't have to do another surgery to fix the skin. i hope it works.
good things that keep me going are how delicious both abby and leo are every day. leo is humungous. he weighed in at 19.5 pounds and 29.5 inches. he's my little line backer. and my abby gets more gorgeous each day. i love them so much.
also on monday - i get my lupron shot. oh yay for me. something to look forward to. as dr. mcandrew explained one of the next steps in my fight against this breast cancer is to target the hormones. my tumor was estrogen receptor positive. that means estrogen (and stress) are fuel for the fire. she wants to use tamoxifen to shut down estrogen production and she wants to use lupron to tell my brain to shut down my ovaries. sharon came over to drop off food and reminded me that lupron may make me crazy. or actually she said "watch out" cause lupron can make me a raging bitch or so she's heard. oh ugh. i mean how can i be even more of a crazy person that I already am?
turning 35 tomorrow. doesn't feel like my birthday. i do not feel like celebrating anything. i mean how can i properly celebrate anything? i want to pretend it is just another day and chill out. i know it is a "milestone" birthday but i prefer to celebrate my birthday at disneyland with my family like i did last year and i can't do that right now so i'll just pretend it's not happening. i'll have a 35th birthday next year when i turn 36. shhhhhh. i usually use my birthday as an excuse to take stock of my life and reflect on things i have accomplished and make plans for the future. let's hold off on that for a little bit.
i'm lying in bed right now. i still have to lay here so my "boo boo" can continue to heal and so I hopefully won't have to do another surgery to fix the skin. i hope it works.
good things that keep me going are how delicious both abby and leo are every day. leo is humungous. he weighed in at 19.5 pounds and 29.5 inches. he's my little line backer. and my abby gets more gorgeous each day. i love them so much.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
email from Ashley...
This is the email I got from Ashley Saturday night after I was being the bad sleepover girl crying at midnight...this was worth posting. It made me cry again. What a crybaby I am, geeeez.
"in the depths of winter I finally found that within me there lay an invincible summer"
--albert camus
Tomorrow, your goal is to start finding that 'invincible summer' within you and to push away thoughts of fear and dread and negativity and depression as much as possible...this is really important in healing.
(you know what Gandhi Says that thoughts become beliefs and beliefs become words and then it all manifests into action) Remember you know your body and you know what to do...you're amazing and strong and intuitive.
Love u and everythings gonna be right lalala
:)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Home at last!
Dorothy: Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home!
Big *sigh*. I am finally home. Got here Monday night after a hellish day. So I thought I was doing great recovering at Ashley's (except for one huge crying episode around midnight where I became the bad sleepover guest who wants to go home at midnight, remember those lame girls? ha ha ha). Anyway, poor Ashley she thought I was clinically depressed and told me to keep my chin up but really at the heart of it all I just missed my precious babies. I've never been away from them this long. Ever. I wanted to be able to smell Leo's head and kiss his chubby legs even if I can't hold him and be able to hear Abby talking and laughing and saying "Mommaaaaa!" That's all I really wanted.
Ah, so where was I. Sorry for the tangent. I woke up the next morning on Sunday with my right arm hurting. At first I thought it was just the iv poke but when Ashley helped remove my pajama top the crevice above my iv poke was red and hard. Infection. Ugh. Ashley speed dialed Dr. Hayden and took photos to send to her HIPAA protected email account.
Oh here I go on another tangent but Barbara Hayden is the most amazing doctor on the planet. She's the most wonderful hybrid of plastic surgeon, breast cancer support group, psychiatrist, internist and perfectionist. We heart her so much. Ashley (aka Dr. Pittman) has a huge crush on her (and so do I).
Dr. Hayden said it seemed like standard phlebitis, a vein infection caused from the bad IV. This shit is making me so mad at this point because it's not the mastectomy that is hard, it's all the other little stupid things that keep going wrong. I never should have removed my port. They could have used it to give me all those transfusions but noooooooo, I was just too happy to assume I was done. I should have known better. Keep your port in a little longer until you are done with everything so you know you don't need it for any little emergencies that may arise my fellow cancer warriors!!
So I went back on the rifampin and continued the other keflex antiobiotic, kept my arm elevated and applied constant warm compress. We also marked the area of redness with a sharpie to monitor the progress. By the end of the night my arm hurt like the dickens and the redness area had grown. I had my follow-up appointment scheduled with Dr. McAndrew that next morning so I would continue with that program unless I developed a fever above 100.5. Cancer patients in treatment know that anytime you get a fever above 100.5, which isn't too crazy for the average person, you must call your doctor immediately. Anyway, it was so hard to sleep that night but I persevered. That morning when I woke up I didn't want to bother Ashley (who had already stayed up late and woken up at 1AM to give me my medication plus she'd been frantically (and very lovingly) taking care of me the past week in and out of the hospital). She calls me "her picky patient" - - pffft. I mean, seriously what's the big deal if I call her in the room every couple of minutes to adjust my pillow an inch, scratch my nose or back or give me a sip of water or get me some food or any of my other very b.a.s.i.c requests...(ha ha ha, she's going to love that one). Frankly, she loves bossing and ordering me around and making me take my pills and stay in bed. I started calling her Annie from Misery. If I got out of bed she would get a sledge hammer and a cement block and well...you remember the movie. "He wouldn't get out of the cockamamie car?!?!" Mwah ha ha ha!!!
I wanted to let her sleep so I decided to make myself breakfast. Stupid idea. I did great making myself an egg and toast but really it was too much for me. I am really very fragile and weak right now and I don't know how to get my mind to understand and accept that fact. I'm working on it though. Anyway, Ashley ran down the stairs to yell at me but it was too late. I sat and ate but felt really very worn out and it was only 9 in the morning.
We get in the car and I'm stressed. I'm stressed because we might be late (and David was meeting us there and he's ALWAYS early but we were actually early so phew) but mostly I was stressed because I knew they would need to draw blood to do all those blood cultures and the analysis of my clotting issues. Where would they possibly take blood? Both arm were off limits in my opinion. Given the way I was feeling I was not in the mood to be my usual nice self. When I got there I checked in and said "Hi, I have an appointment with Philomena McAndrew in ten minutes, I had my mastectomy with complications Monday and I have phlebitis in my right arm so if I'm going to be kept waiting I am going to leave." Real serious poker face. Sure enough they got me in within the half hour and I never waited in the larger waiting room. Once we were led to a room, I grabbed David's hand and I just started balling. I told him I just can't take this anymore. So many little things going wrong. What is especially difficult is that so many people told me that compared to Chemo the mastectomy was a breeze. Wrong. At least for me. Major surgery is just that. Major. I have decided that for my own experience I am going to wait until I am done with everything then determine what was actually the "hard" part.
I gathered myself and waited for McAndrew. She came in and gave me her usual warm hug. She saw my arm and immediately started speed dialing other doctors. She ended up contacting the infectious disease doctor Robert Winters that I had seen before. She and he along with Alice Chung decided that I have to do IV antibiotics for seven days. I start panicking. Where are they going to get another IV started in my veins? So frustrating and scary. After that ordeal Philomena explains more about my tumor make-up from the pathology and explains our next course of treatment. She wants to start me on the Lupron shot (to shut down my ovaries) today. I tell her No Way. I am not going to do it. She understands I've been through too much recently and says we can skip it. Thank the Lord. And now for the IV issue...
We went back to the Chemo chairs, a place I never thought I'd be again and get settled into my chair by the window. My nurse today is Mary Lou, whom I love. I tell her all that is going on and she yells at me about not keeping my port. Well duh!! She says that she is going to get Jose, who is the most awesome medical technician to find an IV for me. But now there is some drama about whether or not I should get a PICC line installed. So they try to get me into Cedars to do that immediately but can't get me in until the next day at two. That means they will have to find an IV. Jose comes in to take charge and he ties the tourniquet on my arm so tight I am writhing in pain. I do deep meditative breathing. Long story short, Jose is the man. He got the IV started and took the requisite 18 vials (that is not an exaggeration) of blood for the cultures and what not, which I think is silly since it isn't all my blood right? 3.5 pints of it plus a bag of platelets are from someone else that I received only days prior. Guess it doesn't matter. Regardless after the blood analysis my hematocrit is at 30.5!! (My lowest was 15.9 and the normal healthy range is 42.0-52.0). That's some good news. Correction, great news!!
Shout out to all those blood donors out there!! YOU R O C K!!!
I stayed for another 2 hours getting the drip and finally was able to go home. While there I enjoyed a nice hour long snooze and woke myself up snoring. SO EMBARRASSING but thankfully at that moment I didn't notice anyone around!! The guy next to me was listening to sports radio about some NFL stuff and that put me to sleep in a New York minute. Apparently I've been going about the white noise and rain sound machines all wrong. I just need some KSPN 710 AM and I'm out like a light.
At Tower I talked with David and Ashley about missing home. While I slept they got a plan in gear to get me home, home that afternoon. Ashley went home to grab all my stuff and take it to the house for me. She is the most hospitable host, the hostess with the mostess, I have no idea how to thank her properly but I've got an idea up my sleeve. Ash, thanks for being such a huge blessing in my life.
I am now having home care of vancomyacin through the IV (2x per day on the 10's). A service delivered the goods to the house and a nurse came to show us how to do it last night around 9:30PM. I was worried David or my mom would be nervous. The nurse set it up for us that night and then around 11:30 David took off the medicine pod and flushed my IV. I was so proud and thankful. He usually doesn't do well around that kind of thing. We were both really worried about it but it turned out to be easy peasy. Piece of Cake. Easy as Pie. Hmmm, I think I might be hungry now. I have several more days of the antibiotics but instead of being poked again on a delicate arm I am going to St. John's Thursday morning to get a hickman line put in (can't do a PICC line because that goes in the arm and I don't have any free ones at the moment). That way if I need blood draws or anything else and since I am having possibly one or more surgeries and maybe it will come in handy. When I am done, done in August or September (or possibly much, much earlier) I will get it out. It was a debate I struggled with since, really, with the vanco all really need is one more poke for a second IV on Thursday but seriously, where will they be able to do it. My arm is bruised and swollen and there's the incision site from the removal of the port. It's an absolute mess.
Alright folks. I'm tired. It was so nice to get this out on digital paper and feel like I am reconnecting a little bit more with the world.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
3.5 times the Charm
I was just discharged from the hospital, yeah!! F I V E days later. Um, so things did not go as well as planned. I ended up having 3 and a half transfusions. The first one and a half plus a bag of platelets I told you about in the last post. Then the second two last night. I'm feeling much better now. I have some color to my face and lips, apparently they were grey and my skin was yellow. No one ever tells you to powder your nose when you really need to.
More later.
Happy Passover and Happy Easter!
More later.
Happy Passover and Happy Easter!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
First round done/Update from Hospital
Oy. i am so out of it
The first sentence of this blog was written by Jess on her blackberry shortly before passing out again. What she really wanted to say was "holy shit, I am really out of it".
The surgery went well in terms of removing the tumors-- the doctors feel like they removed the tumors with a good margin. Dr. Chung explained to me that they removed 1 LITER of breast tissue, hahahaha. For your information, 1 Liter of fluid is about 1200ccs in breast reconstruction lingo-- for example, 425ccs is a FULL C Cup! I haven't been this flat chested since the 3rd grade.
However, there was a complication with my blood counts- they were and have remained very low-- which means during surgery I had clotting and oozing issues. They were able to complete the surgery successfully, but only did the left (cancerous) side mastectomy and removed the lymph nodes on that side. They did not do anything on my right side at this time because of the clotting issues.
Because of the issues with my blood/platelets, recovery has been more difficult.Yesterday I received a blood transfusion because my counts were getting dangerously low. They gave me platelets first...I had two IV lines but one of them went bad and so it made this transfusion process longer and more difficult. The IV line that was working was in a small vein, so they had to give me the blood very slowly and it kind of kept me up all night, which was really annoying. They tried poking me twice, but couldn't start another IV because my blood pressure was so low.
This morning they were going to give me another half pint of blood but I put my foot down and said no because the IV hurts more than my breast surgery which means something is wrong- they eventually took it out and will monitor. They started another IV with saline only and we'll see if I need more blood.
I did get up for the first time today and walked out into the hallway for about 10 steps. I felt a bit light headed but okay. They don't want me walking very far but not because of the surgery, because my blood counts are so low.
I have been resting and now will try to sleep (with the help of Ativan and Percocet!). Thank you to everybody who has sent me well wishes and flowers and cards and notes and emails and phone calls. I'm sorry I'm so out of it I can't respond to anything.
I'll try to post an update tomorrow with my status report.
Jess
The first sentence of this blog was written by Jess on her blackberry shortly before passing out again. What she really wanted to say was "holy shit, I am really out of it".
The surgery went well in terms of removing the tumors-- the doctors feel like they removed the tumors with a good margin. Dr. Chung explained to me that they removed 1 LITER of breast tissue, hahahaha. For your information, 1 Liter of fluid is about 1200ccs in breast reconstruction lingo-- for example, 425ccs is a FULL C Cup! I haven't been this flat chested since the 3rd grade.
However, there was a complication with my blood counts- they were and have remained very low-- which means during surgery I had clotting and oozing issues. They were able to complete the surgery successfully, but only did the left (cancerous) side mastectomy and removed the lymph nodes on that side. They did not do anything on my right side at this time because of the clotting issues.
Because of the issues with my blood/platelets, recovery has been more difficult.Yesterday I received a blood transfusion because my counts were getting dangerously low. They gave me platelets first...I had two IV lines but one of them went bad and so it made this transfusion process longer and more difficult. The IV line that was working was in a small vein, so they had to give me the blood very slowly and it kind of kept me up all night, which was really annoying. They tried poking me twice, but couldn't start another IV because my blood pressure was so low.
This morning they were going to give me another half pint of blood but I put my foot down and said no because the IV hurts more than my breast surgery which means something is wrong- they eventually took it out and will monitor. They started another IV with saline only and we'll see if I need more blood.
I did get up for the first time today and walked out into the hallway for about 10 steps. I felt a bit light headed but okay. They don't want me walking very far but not because of the surgery, because my blood counts are so low.
I have been resting and now will try to sleep (with the help of Ativan and Percocet!). Thank you to everybody who has sent me well wishes and flowers and cards and notes and emails and phone calls. I'm sorry I'm so out of it I can't respond to anything.
I'll try to post an update tomorrow with my status report.
Jess
Saturday, April 16, 2011
This indecision's bugging me...
Should I stay or should I go now?!?!?
I met with three different doctors on Thursday and it was exhausting. Of course, It never helps that they always keep you waiting and then you run late to the next one and then the next one. I don't recommend scheduling more than one doctor appointment a day but sometimes it must be done. Prepare yourself to be stressed out yet completely bored at the same time if you must do it.
I am so tired from thinking about the various pros and cons and going back and forth that I can't even tell you the full story about it. ONE day left to decide. Hopefully I figure it out by 5AM Monday morning, that's when I get to "check" in to St. John's. Shoot me.
I met with three different doctors on Thursday and it was exhausting. Of course, It never helps that they always keep you waiting and then you run late to the next one and then the next one. I don't recommend scheduling more than one doctor appointment a day but sometimes it must be done. Prepare yourself to be stressed out yet completely bored at the same time if you must do it.
Apparently now I have the option to do the reduction and lift on the right at the same time I have the mastectomy and reconstruction on the left. That is the way that Dr. Hayden scheduled it for Monday but I don't have to do both at the same time if I don't want to. I can do the right breast one week or one month after the mastectomy or I can wait to do it after radiation.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Checking in and Checking out
I have checked myself into the Shutters Hotel by the beach. I am taking a mental break. Checked in here yesterday afternoon. Had drinks with Jeanne and Christel at Casa del Mar then headed back to Shutters and continued the party at the bar as Kristen, Christina, Maggie and later Moujan joined in. So fun.
Enjoying some room service now and watching more Arrested Development. Pilates at 11:30 then I return for lunch and then spa treatments at 1:30. I'm doing something called the Beach Buff and then a facial. Then I get to go home refreshed. I can't wait to see my babies.
Tomorrow, ballet at 10. Dr. Chung at 11:15. Dr. Hayden at 2:30 and Dr. Childs at 4PM (don't want to tell you what that one is about...something Chemo related).
Enjoying some room service now and watching more Arrested Development. Pilates at 11:30 then I return for lunch and then spa treatments at 1:30. I'm doing something called the Beach Buff and then a facial. Then I get to go home refreshed. I can't wait to see my babies.
Tomorrow, ballet at 10. Dr. Chung at 11:15. Dr. Hayden at 2:30 and Dr. Childs at 4PM (don't want to tell you what that one is about...something Chemo related).
Monday, April 11, 2011
Ho Hum
I cannot get myself out of this funk. Today I woke up, took care of Leo for two hours, then put him down to get dressed then had to drive to Vicenti Foods (since I forgot that I had to bring toddler sandwiches to Abby's Easter party at Sunshine preschool) and buy supplies. Came home and frantically made little sandwiches and cut them into little shapes using cookie cutters. Someone suggested that to me and it stuck in my head. I think the kids would have cared less. It irritated me that, of course, the easy stuff like "fruit" or "cookies" were accounted for by the time the sign up sheet got to me so I had to sign up for "toddler food"...I mean what the hell is that exactly? If people are bringing sugar and sugar they sho' ain't gonna be wantin' turkey sandwiches now are they!?!?! Anyway, I made cream cheese and strawberry jelly sandwiches and turkey and cheese sandwiches lovingly cut into ovals, butterflies, cars and hands. A hand sandwich, anyone? That's a play on ham sandwich. I do crack myself up. Anyway, made the sandwiches then rushed over to Sunshine, played with Abby then made the switch with my mom so I could go to Tower. Drove to Tower Oncology for my CBC, pre-op blood work and EKG. My blood numbers were really low. So I had to have the shot, but this time at least is was a neupogen shot, not the neulasta. Still sucks but I least this is the home stretch...all these things get me through to the surgery on Monday. I need to be healthy for the surgery. I sped home to eat some lunch and hang out with Abby a bit then I left for acupuncture, tuina massage and to try infrared sauna for the first time. I am doing three of these sessions this week in hopes of detoxing the chemo drugs out of my system.
I explained to my acupuncturist how I feel so fatigued about everything. I haven't taken my vitamins or herbs in over a week (actually more). I didn't want to get acupuncture. I told her no needles today. I was already poked twice, first for blood tests then for the neupogen. I just don't want to do any of this anymore. Thankfully I dozed off snoring for about half an hour during the acupuncture. I really needed a nap.
I also told my acupuncturist that the discipline of trying to do everything "right" is exhausting. She said I've been on a long journey but it's almost over. Surgery, recovery, then six weeks of radiation. But it just doesn't feel that way to me. How come now that I should see the light at the end of the tunnel I can't make it the extra mile to cross the finish line? I'm probably just scared. I mean, I know I am scared. I don't want to even think about my surgery. I also told her about my scare Thursday and Friday and she said that was a serious roller coaster. She's right. I haven't climbed the track to the top again yet though. I'm still in a low area of obvious depression. She also said that not only am I dealing with that from cancer but she also pointed out that I am dealing with post-partum issues too. Ugh.
I drove home from my tuina massage, pulled into the garage and sat in my car and cried. I need a break. I just didn't want to be home. The monotony of it all. The routine of it all. I'm not just tired of the cancer treatment I'm tired of everything. I feel like I've lost my desire for so many things, that zest and that zeal. I used to be such a happy and upbeat person. I'm no good to anyone including myself right now. I talked to David while he was in Sydney today and told him how I feel mentally tired, physically tired (I'm sure from the low blood counts), emotionally tired and spiritually tired. I told him I just want to check into a spa and take a break. He, of course, agreed and said I should. It sounds good in a way but how do you get away and take a break from your kids without feeling guilty and selfish? I felt like such a bad mother because I didn't want to go inside the house. I didn't want to eat dinner in the kitchen with Abby gabbing in my ear or give her or Leo a bath or put them to bed. It's a high stress thing raising an active 2 year old. I'm constantly on alert and in a state of agitation. She is constantly negotiating something and is generally the "boss" of me. No mommy. Mommy do this. Mommy do that. It's unbearable sometimes. I have to give myself "mommy" time outs a lot lately. My patience is really running low. Maybe I need that break more than ever. A very good friend pointed out to me that I really am no good to the kids if I'm not able to be good to myself, especially now.
I explained to my acupuncturist how I feel so fatigued about everything. I haven't taken my vitamins or herbs in over a week (actually more). I didn't want to get acupuncture. I told her no needles today. I was already poked twice, first for blood tests then for the neupogen. I just don't want to do any of this anymore. Thankfully I dozed off snoring for about half an hour during the acupuncture. I really needed a nap.
I also told my acupuncturist that the discipline of trying to do everything "right" is exhausting. She said I've been on a long journey but it's almost over. Surgery, recovery, then six weeks of radiation. But it just doesn't feel that way to me. How come now that I should see the light at the end of the tunnel I can't make it the extra mile to cross the finish line? I'm probably just scared. I mean, I know I am scared. I don't want to even think about my surgery. I also told her about my scare Thursday and Friday and she said that was a serious roller coaster. She's right. I haven't climbed the track to the top again yet though. I'm still in a low area of obvious depression. She also said that not only am I dealing with that from cancer but she also pointed out that I am dealing with post-partum issues too. Ugh.
I drove home from my tuina massage, pulled into the garage and sat in my car and cried. I need a break. I just didn't want to be home. The monotony of it all. The routine of it all. I'm not just tired of the cancer treatment I'm tired of everything. I feel like I've lost my desire for so many things, that zest and that zeal. I used to be such a happy and upbeat person. I'm no good to anyone including myself right now. I talked to David while he was in Sydney today and told him how I feel mentally tired, physically tired (I'm sure from the low blood counts), emotionally tired and spiritually tired. I told him I just want to check into a spa and take a break. He, of course, agreed and said I should. It sounds good in a way but how do you get away and take a break from your kids without feeling guilty and selfish? I felt like such a bad mother because I didn't want to go inside the house. I didn't want to eat dinner in the kitchen with Abby gabbing in my ear or give her or Leo a bath or put them to bed. It's a high stress thing raising an active 2 year old. I'm constantly on alert and in a state of agitation. She is constantly negotiating something and is generally the "boss" of me. No mommy. Mommy do this. Mommy do that. It's unbearable sometimes. I have to give myself "mommy" time outs a lot lately. My patience is really running low. Maybe I need that break more than ever. A very good friend pointed out to me that I really am no good to the kids if I'm not able to be good to myself, especially now.
I gathered myself up and went inside. Abby was just sitting down to dinner with my mom and she was so excited to see me. She wouldn't let me put her down. I had to go to the restroom and so she had to come too. She was excitingly talking to me about something and I told her I loved her. She said "I love you momma" and I just looked at her little precious face and started crying. I couldn't keep it together. I didn't want to alarm her so I told her mommy was "very sad" right now. She didn't freak out instead she gave me the biggest hug squeezing my neck. How does a 2 year old understand how to comfort her own mother? I stood there letting her hug me. How do you want to take a break from that and not feel like a horrible person? I have to figure this out. I need some help maybe. As David and I so often joke "that's it, I'm calling Pam"...
Saturday, April 9, 2011
LIttle Big Scare
I had my breast MRI Thursday morning as planned. David asked me several times to join me and I just didn't think it was a big deal enough for him to have to go there with me and sit outside. The MRI was routine, the typical heavy metal/techno rave concert except this time I was lying on my stomach with my breasts through two holes, my ears in headphones, my head in a vice and my arms over my head. I would say it was about as comfortable as, oh I don't know, medieval torture?! After 25 minutes it was over.
I went to Neiman's after that to see Ashley at her trunk show. It was also nice to do some retail therapy. Three pairs of shoes later I go have lunch with Ashley's mom Renvy. She had a unique experience at 36 after her second child so we talked and talked about these changes I'm currently and about to go through. One of the things Renvy talked to me about was letting people take care of me and take care of themselves. For instance, she asked if David was being a typical male about the sickness; most men walk or run away or even worse ignore or deny when their partner is sick. It can cause a lot of strife. Thankfully David has been nothing but supportive. Sometimes he just wants to "fix" things but since we go to therapy (thank you Pam) he's learned to just listen to me when I need to talk things through. I don't need someone to make a decision for me I usually just want some help in talking myself through a decision algorithm if you will. She also asked if David seemed scared. I told her I didn't think so even though I know that deep down he really is. He asked me 17 different times and ways about going. Renvy suggested that David wanted to go for me AND for him. He probably wants to be there for me and so I should just let him. That is an important lesson to learn. I am so used to trying to do everything on my own and so used to taking care of other people and not wanting to be a bother. Time to let people take care of me and not feel bad about it or feel like I am an inconvenience.
After lunch I rushed home and Abby was still sleeping. When she woke up we had a great time playing inside and outside, to and fro, upstairs and downstairs, and then we made chocolate coconut cupcakes for Daddy. Ashley came over to visit and Abby was ecstatic to show off her vocabulary she's gained in the past three weeks since Ashley has been gone. Too cute.
After dinner I got an email from Dr. Alice Chung and it felt like my world started to fall apart. She said that she talked to Dr. Philomena McAndrew about the results of the tests and that she knew Philomena would be calling me but wanted to follow up with me since there were some abnormalities shown in my nodes on the right. On the right...well we all know my cancer and my infectious nodes are on the LEFT. In her email she said that I could wait until Tuesday when I had planned to see her or I could come in sooner and can she have my phone number to call me. I immediately emailed her with my number and told her that I hadn't talked to Philomena but now I am nervous so could she please call me right away? Thankfully Ashley was giving Abby her bath so I called David to come downstairs and commiserate. It wasn't really registering with me. The right side? What the f u c k?? Alice called me about 5 minutes later, thank you iPhones and blackberry phones, and told me that there were suspicious nodes on the right that didn't show up before but that the MRI isn't entirely accurate on lymph nodes so I need to come in for an ultrasound to double check. She also said that when she spoke to Philomena that my PET/CT from a few months ago was normal and nothing showed up. She said not to worry but could I come in first thing tomorrow morning for an ultrasound? Y E S. Well the wind was really knocked out of my sails after that so I went upstairs and decided to shut myself in Leo's room and put him to sleep. I just didn't want to think about it. If there were infected nodes that are showing up NOW after months of chemotherapy and are new growths that weren't noticed last September then that meant the cancer has metastasized and I am truly a Stage 4 cancer patient. There is a HUGE difference between Stage 3 and Stage 4. Stage 4 cancer is considered NOT curable, just treatable because you can manage the disease and the symptoms but you never are considered in remission.
I was exhausted (or looking back on it now I was probably two things - in denial and a bit depressed) so I went to bed early even though I wasn't looking forward to waking up and going into the hospital for the test. I do know that knowledge is power and that most likely it wasn't going to be anything but I've been so severely disappointed in the past few months about my health that I couldn't make an educated guess either way about the potential results. All I could do was hope they were fine. We got to St. John's and waited about half an hour before seeing Alice. She came in for the clinical portion and didn't feel any palpable nodes. That was a good sign. Now on to the ultrasound. As I lay there I watched the technician roll around the armpit and breast looking at my nodes. Every node that she came to looked to me normal with a healthy layer of fat in it. No dark spots (that's cancer). Of course I'm not a radiologist but I do know after this whole experience what they are supposed to look like and they looked fine to me. I made that commented and she agreed. She went to get the radiologist and then Dr. Chung came in too. That felt ominous. They kept looking for this one internal mammary node that they thought looked suspicious. It is larger than normal. But it still looks healthy. No reason to biopsy. That was good news. He felt they were larger than normal but could be followed up in 6 months time. Good news. Phew. I asked Alice if that still meant I would be safer getting a double mastectomy and she said that it really didn't warrant such a dramatic step. I don't like that uneasy feeling and having that anxious feeling every six months won't be great for my long term health, I know that much. I was shaking but I was so relieved. They decided I should do a mammogram on the right side to check the calcifications I had when they last examined me in September. They told me to wait in this little area but instead I ran to the other side of the center to tell David that the news was good. I gave him the hugest hug and it wasn't until then that I realized just how upset I was about all of this. It isn't until you know you are in the clear and safe that you allow yourself to realize that you were actually scared as hell staring straight down into the fucking abyss.
After the mammogram we got more good news that the calcifications seem the same since last September which is further evidence that I don't need to get the prophylactic mastectomy on the right.
UGGGGHHHHHH. What a hell of a night and morning. I am so wiped out. I am so sick and tired of this emotional and physical roller coaster. Seriously. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, April 18th. I have one week before that and all I want to do is runaway. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a wife. I don't want to be anything. I just want to sit in a room and stare at the wall. I better call the therapist. I must be depressed. I mean, wouldn't you be? I am about to lose my left breast. That's a huge deal. Everyone keeps telling me to look on the bright side since after the surgery my cancer will be gone. I guess so. Or that it will be one more step towards finishing this ordeal, I'll "only" have radiation after this point. Oh yeah. Just. I'm having one of those dark periods where I can't think positive. I'm just so pissed off. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm aggravated. WTF. Serious pity party alert. Everyone keeps talking about spring break and all I can think of is that for Spring Break 2011 I am getting a mastectomy. I'm not going on vacation, I'm not taking time off from work, I'm not going somewhere fun to create memories with my kids. Nope. I'm getting a mastectomy. Nice.
I went to Neiman's after that to see Ashley at her trunk show. It was also nice to do some retail therapy. Three pairs of shoes later I go have lunch with Ashley's mom Renvy. She had a unique experience at 36 after her second child so we talked and talked about these changes I'm currently and about to go through. One of the things Renvy talked to me about was letting people take care of me and take care of themselves. For instance, she asked if David was being a typical male about the sickness; most men walk or run away or even worse ignore or deny when their partner is sick. It can cause a lot of strife. Thankfully David has been nothing but supportive. Sometimes he just wants to "fix" things but since we go to therapy (thank you Pam) he's learned to just listen to me when I need to talk things through. I don't need someone to make a decision for me I usually just want some help in talking myself through a decision algorithm if you will. She also asked if David seemed scared. I told her I didn't think so even though I know that deep down he really is. He asked me 17 different times and ways about going. Renvy suggested that David wanted to go for me AND for him. He probably wants to be there for me and so I should just let him. That is an important lesson to learn. I am so used to trying to do everything on my own and so used to taking care of other people and not wanting to be a bother. Time to let people take care of me and not feel bad about it or feel like I am an inconvenience.
After lunch I rushed home and Abby was still sleeping. When she woke up we had a great time playing inside and outside, to and fro, upstairs and downstairs, and then we made chocolate coconut cupcakes for Daddy. Ashley came over to visit and Abby was ecstatic to show off her vocabulary she's gained in the past three weeks since Ashley has been gone. Too cute.
After dinner I got an email from Dr. Alice Chung and it felt like my world started to fall apart. She said that she talked to Dr. Philomena McAndrew about the results of the tests and that she knew Philomena would be calling me but wanted to follow up with me since there were some abnormalities shown in my nodes on the right. On the right...well we all know my cancer and my infectious nodes are on the LEFT. In her email she said that I could wait until Tuesday when I had planned to see her or I could come in sooner and can she have my phone number to call me. I immediately emailed her with my number and told her that I hadn't talked to Philomena but now I am nervous so could she please call me right away? Thankfully Ashley was giving Abby her bath so I called David to come downstairs and commiserate. It wasn't really registering with me. The right side? What the f u c k?? Alice called me about 5 minutes later, thank you iPhones and blackberry phones, and told me that there were suspicious nodes on the right that didn't show up before but that the MRI isn't entirely accurate on lymph nodes so I need to come in for an ultrasound to double check. She also said that when she spoke to Philomena that my PET/CT from a few months ago was normal and nothing showed up. She said not to worry but could I come in first thing tomorrow morning for an ultrasound? Y E S. Well the wind was really knocked out of my sails after that so I went upstairs and decided to shut myself in Leo's room and put him to sleep. I just didn't want to think about it. If there were infected nodes that are showing up NOW after months of chemotherapy and are new growths that weren't noticed last September then that meant the cancer has metastasized and I am truly a Stage 4 cancer patient. There is a HUGE difference between Stage 3 and Stage 4. Stage 4 cancer is considered NOT curable, just treatable because you can manage the disease and the symptoms but you never are considered in remission.
I was exhausted (or looking back on it now I was probably two things - in denial and a bit depressed) so I went to bed early even though I wasn't looking forward to waking up and going into the hospital for the test. I do know that knowledge is power and that most likely it wasn't going to be anything but I've been so severely disappointed in the past few months about my health that I couldn't make an educated guess either way about the potential results. All I could do was hope they were fine. We got to St. John's and waited about half an hour before seeing Alice. She came in for the clinical portion and didn't feel any palpable nodes. That was a good sign. Now on to the ultrasound. As I lay there I watched the technician roll around the armpit and breast looking at my nodes. Every node that she came to looked to me normal with a healthy layer of fat in it. No dark spots (that's cancer). Of course I'm not a radiologist but I do know after this whole experience what they are supposed to look like and they looked fine to me. I made that commented and she agreed. She went to get the radiologist and then Dr. Chung came in too. That felt ominous. They kept looking for this one internal mammary node that they thought looked suspicious. It is larger than normal. But it still looks healthy. No reason to biopsy. That was good news. He felt they were larger than normal but could be followed up in 6 months time. Good news. Phew. I asked Alice if that still meant I would be safer getting a double mastectomy and she said that it really didn't warrant such a dramatic step. I don't like that uneasy feeling and having that anxious feeling every six months won't be great for my long term health, I know that much. I was shaking but I was so relieved. They decided I should do a mammogram on the right side to check the calcifications I had when they last examined me in September. They told me to wait in this little area but instead I ran to the other side of the center to tell David that the news was good. I gave him the hugest hug and it wasn't until then that I realized just how upset I was about all of this. It isn't until you know you are in the clear and safe that you allow yourself to realize that you were actually scared as hell staring straight down into the fucking abyss.
After the mammogram we got more good news that the calcifications seem the same since last September which is further evidence that I don't need to get the prophylactic mastectomy on the right.
UGGGGHHHHHH. What a hell of a night and morning. I am so wiped out. I am so sick and tired of this emotional and physical roller coaster. Seriously. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, April 18th. I have one week before that and all I want to do is runaway. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a wife. I don't want to be anything. I just want to sit in a room and stare at the wall. I better call the therapist. I must be depressed. I mean, wouldn't you be? I am about to lose my left breast. That's a huge deal. Everyone keeps telling me to look on the bright side since after the surgery my cancer will be gone. I guess so. Or that it will be one more step towards finishing this ordeal, I'll "only" have radiation after this point. Oh yeah. Just. I'm having one of those dark periods where I can't think positive. I'm just so pissed off. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm aggravated. WTF. Serious pity party alert. Everyone keeps talking about spring break and all I can think of is that for Spring Break 2011 I am getting a mastectomy. I'm not going on vacation, I'm not taking time off from work, I'm not going somewhere fun to create memories with my kids. Nope. I'm getting a mastectomy. Nice.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Plugging along...
Everything is status quo, that is to say status quo in the new normal. I went to Tower yesterday and my blood counts were good. Good enough that I didn't need to get the "shot" - yeah!! But not good enough to be willy nilly, she said I am still in a fragile state. Meaning, I shouldn't be taking Abby to toddler group and whatnot considering my counts are still low. Too late. I took Abby to Sunshine toddler group Monday and loved it. She was being such a doll in class. I loved seeing her that way. She is growing up so fast. I freaked out a little when I saw a kid with a runny nose. We immediately sani-wiped our hands and I kept her away from the kid. Just a precaution.
Leo is being so lovable. He has been fussy lately and then we discover he just wants to be with his momma. The fact that he knows who I am and that he needs me is the best feeling on earth. I hardly get to spend time with the little tyke. I have to "steal" moments away with him from Abby since she still has her jealous moments from time to time. For instance tonight David and I did a little date night and when I got home I was playing with her but Leo started fussing. The minute I picked him up to sooth him (and he really did, once again, just want momma) she started with her dramatic "crocodile tear" show that she has worked so hard to perfect. I see an acting career in her future!
I went to acupuncture this morning followed by ballet...Aimee the instructor did her best with combinations of plies, sautees, and releves to ensure that I don't walk tomorrow without some pain. I do want to say that I am proud of myself for being so dedicated with ballet. I am much better now and I even could follow the more complicated routine when we came center today. Bravo!
After ballet I went straight to Dr. Hayden's office to talk details. It was a little frustrating since the coordinator told me that after she talked to Barbara that she decided she wanted to be there to go over the photos with me. It makes sense of course since she is the one who can detail the process and results. I saw a few nonetheless but I will go back next Monday to sit with her and look at more photos. I was also concerned because when we started to discuss the surgery and date the coordinator started quoting everything for a double mastectomy. I told her that was incorrect since Dr. Hayden was the one who convinced me to do a unilateral mastectomy with reduction and lift on the other. So we took photos and talked about a few other items and then I rushed home to eat lunch with Abba Zabba. She'll have to revise the quotes and give me final details next week. I'm just getting anxious about that since the surgery is supposed to be the 18th which is in two freaking weeks.
Here are a few photos that make me smile. The first is Leo about a month ago...but you can see the progression of his growth. His middle section growth seems to be inversely proportional to the amount of hair on my head. Ha ha.
Leo is being so lovable. He has been fussy lately and then we discover he just wants to be with his momma. The fact that he knows who I am and that he needs me is the best feeling on earth. I hardly get to spend time with the little tyke. I have to "steal" moments away with him from Abby since she still has her jealous moments from time to time. For instance tonight David and I did a little date night and when I got home I was playing with her but Leo started fussing. The minute I picked him up to sooth him (and he really did, once again, just want momma) she started with her dramatic "crocodile tear" show that she has worked so hard to perfect. I see an acting career in her future!
I went to acupuncture this morning followed by ballet...Aimee the instructor did her best with combinations of plies, sautees, and releves to ensure that I don't walk tomorrow without some pain. I do want to say that I am proud of myself for being so dedicated with ballet. I am much better now and I even could follow the more complicated routine when we came center today. Bravo!
After ballet I went straight to Dr. Hayden's office to talk details. It was a little frustrating since the coordinator told me that after she talked to Barbara that she decided she wanted to be there to go over the photos with me. It makes sense of course since she is the one who can detail the process and results. I saw a few nonetheless but I will go back next Monday to sit with her and look at more photos. I was also concerned because when we started to discuss the surgery and date the coordinator started quoting everything for a double mastectomy. I told her that was incorrect since Dr. Hayden was the one who convinced me to do a unilateral mastectomy with reduction and lift on the other. So we took photos and talked about a few other items and then I rushed home to eat lunch with Abba Zabba. She'll have to revise the quotes and give me final details next week. I'm just getting anxious about that since the surgery is supposed to be the 18th which is in two freaking weeks.
Here are a few photos that make me smile. The first is Leo about a month ago...but you can see the progression of his growth. His middle section growth seems to be inversely proportional to the amount of hair on my head. Ha ha.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
O M G
Well....I've been trying to get into Dr. Hayden's office to see photo results of surgeries similar to what I am doing. Did I update you and tell you that I am 100% positive I am going to follow Dr. Hayden's advice and get a mastectomy on my left breast? The right breast will get a reduction and lift to match the left. I believe it will work like this - mastectomy, insert expander, pump up expander over a period of 4-6 weeks depending on when I start radiation (that is the key timeline since the expander has to be "fully loaded" before I start radiation; after radiation no more fiddling), radiation for 6 weeks then when I am done and in the clear then the surgery to replace the expander with the final size saline or silicon (another decision to make) implant will take place simultaneously with the reduction and lift of the right breast. I think.
It's pretty funny. When you are endowed with large breasts you think they are annoying and a burden. All your girlfriends on the "itty bitty titty committee" are jealous and always talk about wanting larger breasts. Many of them get implants. This is serious surgery. I hate how living in hell-ay jades you into thinking, well, I'll just do this little surgery here and there...nip tuck. No big deal, right? Wrong. I'm scared to have this surgery. I know people who get implants are also making a huge decision but it is cosmetic. They won't have the huge scars slashed across the breasts like I will. Now let me say I make no judgements on whether anyone chooses to get cosmetic surgery. I had rhinoplasty myself!! I just wish I hadn't done it now that I know the difference. My old nose was great. You are never guaranteed the results. I have to have a second revision surgery since there is a piece of cartilage that pokes out (please don't stare at me funny now trying to see it since I've told you this!). I've taken my sweet ass time in doing the second surgery. I'm not convinced I really want to do it even. Every single time you go under the knife you take a risk. It is serious trauma to your body. That's why I'm freaking out a bit about the surgery.
Anyway, I was talking about my breasts not my nose. I had beautiful, amazing, fantastic breasts. I didn't know how blessed I was. I found a photo of them from a beach in Greece back in the day. First of all, to be young again like that. Oy. Second, they were divine. It's just too damn bad. Realistically after having the twins and the second baby they didn't stand a chance. They would never be like they were but I will always wonder, what it?? David commented, and rightfully so, that I am worrying too much about cosmetic outcome. It's because he loves me. He wants me to do the safest thing without doing anything unnecessary like a double mastectomy if I don't need to. Well the cat's out of the bag, I'm vain. Shit. I am really vain. I can't stop thinking about how I used to look, how I look now and how I am going to look. It's beyond stupid. For instance, I haven't been eating too much (or shall I say, I haven't been eating my normal pig-like amounts) because Chemo has attacked my taste buds and stomach and has taken the thrill of food away from me so I've been losing weight. Yet, I *like* fact that I am losing weight. Ballet is starting to define my body and I'm getting back definition in my arms, legs, rear, and stomach. I have a bald head from battling cancer and when I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I SERIOUSLY need to get my priorities in order!! Am I right?!?!? LOL.
Clearly I need to do more meditation and mental exploration.
So anyway, all that being said, I was waiting for over a week to hear from Dr. Hayden's office and I was starting to get worried. A wandering mind is not a good thing for a cancer patient. I mean I'm not just trying to get a mommy makeover, I need to get this cancer out of me so why aren't they putting the pedal to the medal?!? See how I have no problem playing the "cancer card" to get what I want. Pathetic. Anyway, I didn't go there but the Dr.'s coordinator finally called me back Friday and had a tentative date for the surgery. Monday, April 18th. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. There's an incredibly violent shift into reality that I wasn't really looking for. Heeeeelllooooooo!
I'm looking at photos, discussing financials and surgery specifics Tuesday morning. Holy moly. I am really wigging out here. In a little over three weeks my left breast will be removed and so will a portion of my lymph nodes.
I still have to tell you about 1) how I feel certain people are sleepwalking their way through life and how I want to shake them to wake them up 2) falling seriously off the bandwagon foodwise and 3) getting serious deal fatigue with vitamins, herbs, acupuncture and the like. But right now I am going to go spend some quality time with my little prince and princess. *Smile*!!!
And Happy Birthday to David today!
It's pretty funny. When you are endowed with large breasts you think they are annoying and a burden. All your girlfriends on the "itty bitty titty committee" are jealous and always talk about wanting larger breasts. Many of them get implants. This is serious surgery. I hate how living in hell-ay jades you into thinking, well, I'll just do this little surgery here and there...nip tuck. No big deal, right? Wrong. I'm scared to have this surgery. I know people who get implants are also making a huge decision but it is cosmetic. They won't have the huge scars slashed across the breasts like I will. Now let me say I make no judgements on whether anyone chooses to get cosmetic surgery. I had rhinoplasty myself!! I just wish I hadn't done it now that I know the difference. My old nose was great. You are never guaranteed the results. I have to have a second revision surgery since there is a piece of cartilage that pokes out (please don't stare at me funny now trying to see it since I've told you this!). I've taken my sweet ass time in doing the second surgery. I'm not convinced I really want to do it even. Every single time you go under the knife you take a risk. It is serious trauma to your body. That's why I'm freaking out a bit about the surgery.
Anyway, I was talking about my breasts not my nose. I had beautiful, amazing, fantastic breasts. I didn't know how blessed I was. I found a photo of them from a beach in Greece back in the day. First of all, to be young again like that. Oy. Second, they were divine. It's just too damn bad. Realistically after having the twins and the second baby they didn't stand a chance. They would never be like they were but I will always wonder, what it?? David commented, and rightfully so, that I am worrying too much about cosmetic outcome. It's because he loves me. He wants me to do the safest thing without doing anything unnecessary like a double mastectomy if I don't need to. Well the cat's out of the bag, I'm vain. Shit. I am really vain. I can't stop thinking about how I used to look, how I look now and how I am going to look. It's beyond stupid. For instance, I haven't been eating too much (or shall I say, I haven't been eating my normal pig-like amounts) because Chemo has attacked my taste buds and stomach and has taken the thrill of food away from me so I've been losing weight. Yet, I *like* fact that I am losing weight. Ballet is starting to define my body and I'm getting back definition in my arms, legs, rear, and stomach. I have a bald head from battling cancer and when I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I SERIOUSLY need to get my priorities in order!! Am I right?!?!? LOL.
Clearly I need to do more meditation and mental exploration.
So anyway, all that being said, I was waiting for over a week to hear from Dr. Hayden's office and I was starting to get worried. A wandering mind is not a good thing for a cancer patient. I mean I'm not just trying to get a mommy makeover, I need to get this cancer out of me so why aren't they putting the pedal to the medal?!? See how I have no problem playing the "cancer card" to get what I want. Pathetic. Anyway, I didn't go there but the Dr.'s coordinator finally called me back Friday and had a tentative date for the surgery. Monday, April 18th. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. There's an incredibly violent shift into reality that I wasn't really looking for. Heeeeelllooooooo!
I'm looking at photos, discussing financials and surgery specifics Tuesday morning. Holy moly. I am really wigging out here. In a little over three weeks my left breast will be removed and so will a portion of my lymph nodes.
I still have to tell you about 1) how I feel certain people are sleepwalking their way through life and how I want to shake them to wake them up 2) falling seriously off the bandwagon foodwise and 3) getting serious deal fatigue with vitamins, herbs, acupuncture and the like. But right now I am going to go spend some quality time with my little prince and princess. *Smile*!!!
And Happy Birthday to David today!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hallelujah!!
No more Chemo! I did my last Chemo infusion yesterday and today was my last hydration. No one will be poking my port anymore. I can have it removed at my mastectomy. I AM THRILLED!!! I am also thrilled to report that I did not have to have the "shot"...I was scheduled to get it but I asked Dr. McAndrew if it was truly necessary and she said since it was my last one that I could skip it. SUPER DUPER THRILLED!! I know the steroids are starting to wear off but I am feeling pretty good so far. Acupuncture this morning helped too. And the fact that I am in a positive mood and good spirits I believe is going to get me through this hard part over the next few days.
I have a ton more things to update on after my meeting with Dr. McAndrew but I'm really tired so I'll try to post again soon. The biggest update is that my surgery could be as soon as three weeks. However, I'm still trying to get into see Dr. Hayden's work (her before and after photos) and discuss her strategy for the surgery. I've left two messages so far and I'm getting anxious. I want that surgery date scheduled. It will make me relax that much more to know when it will be happening.
I have a ton more things to update on after my meeting with Dr. McAndrew but I'm really tired so I'll try to post again soon. The biggest update is that my surgery could be as soon as three weeks. However, I'm still trying to get into see Dr. Hayden's work (her before and after photos) and discuss her strategy for the surgery. I've left two messages so far and I'm getting anxious. I want that surgery date scheduled. It will make me relax that much more to know when it will be happening.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Loving Kindness
I wish I could be kinder to myself. My body is really taking a beating. That doesn't mean that my mind and spirit has to take a beating too. I am finally getting over this darn cold. And my hair started falling out Wednesday so I had to give in two days later and shave my head. Aunt Flow came to visit too on Friday. At least I was able to go to ballet this week despite the cold and the unexpected visit (which opens up a whole different can of worms since Dr. Daly was trying to figure out if I could get pregnant on Chemo). The other thing that is bothering me is that I have really lost (I'd say over the past few weeks) my joy for food. I don't really crave anything and nothing "sounds" good to me. I just kind of pick something that I would normally eat, eat it and then move on. I'm eating less too. The only thing I like these days are my green smoothies. I really just want vegetables. It could be that I have brainwashed myself and it really isn't a conscious choice anymore to be a vegetarian.
Anyway, I also wonder if it was inevitable that my hair would fall out again or that maybe if I didn't get a cold and a visit from Aunt Flow that my hair would still be attached to my head. Or it could be the stress from trying to be supermom and spend quality time with each kid, trying to make a decision about a breast and a plastic surgeon, trying to make a decision about my breasts, yada yada yada. It's enough to make anyone positively insane.
All that being said, I really want to learn to be kinder to myself. Our therapist Pam was telling me about a meditation from a lecture she went to with Sharon Salzberg. It's called the Loving Kindness Meditation or sometimes called the Metta Meditation. I have been obsessed, or as much as I can be, in all my free time with learning about this. The first time that I did this I had streams of tears as I read the meditation out loud to myself. (Eventually I will be able to do this quietly in my mind as well...)
So the loving-kindness meditation is an ancient meditation practice taught by the Buddha himself which is designed to bring unconditional love to your Self, your loved ones and to beings throughout the universe. It helps bring peace to various situations taking place in your life. It also allows you to look at the world in a more positive light. It brings about positive attitudinal changes - as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind.
"Begin by repeating the following phrases over and over for 15-20 minutes once or twice daily in a quite place for several months. At first this meditation may feel mechanical or awkward or even bring up the opposite feelings of irritation and anger. If this happens, it is especially important to be patient and kind toward yourself, allowing whatever arises to be received in a spirit of friendliness and kind affection. In its own time, even in the face of inner difficulties, loving- kindness will develop."
"Sit in a comfortable fashion. Let your body relax and be at rest. As best you can, let your mind be quiet, letting go of plans and preoccupations. (THIS IS SO VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO). Then begin to recite inwardly the following phrases directed to yourself. You begin with yourself because without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others."
"Practice this meditation repeatedly for a number of weeks until the sense of loving-kindness for yourself grows."
"When you feel ready, in the same meditation period you can gradually expand the focus of your loving-kindness to include others. After yourself, choose a benefactor, someone in your life who has truly cared for you. Picture them and carefully recie the same phrases: May he/she be filled with loving- kindness and so forth. When loving-kindess for your benefactor has developed, begin to include other people you love in the meditation, picturing them and reciting the same phrases, evoking a sense of loving-kindness ofor them."
"After this, you can gradually begin to include others: friends, community members, neighbors, people everywhere, animals, the whole earth, and all beings. Then you can even experiment with including the most difficult poeple in your life, wishing that they, too, be filled with loving-kindess and peace. With some practice a steady sense of loving-kindness can develop and in the course of 15 or 20 minutes you will be able to include many beings in your meditation, moving from yourself, to a benefactor and loved ones, to all beings everywhere."
"Then you can learn to practice it anywhere. You can use this meditation in traffic jams, in buses and airplanes, in doctors' waiting rooms, in a thousand other circumstances. As you silently practice this loving-kindness meditation among people, you will immediately feel a wonderful connection with them -- the power of loving-kindness. It will calm your life and keep you connected to your heart."
Anyway, I also wonder if it was inevitable that my hair would fall out again or that maybe if I didn't get a cold and a visit from Aunt Flow that my hair would still be attached to my head. Or it could be the stress from trying to be supermom and spend quality time with each kid, trying to make a decision about a breast and a plastic surgeon, trying to make a decision about my breasts, yada yada yada. It's enough to make anyone positively insane.
All that being said, I really want to learn to be kinder to myself. Our therapist Pam was telling me about a meditation from a lecture she went to with Sharon Salzberg. It's called the Loving Kindness Meditation or sometimes called the Metta Meditation. I have been obsessed, or as much as I can be, in all my free time with learning about this. The first time that I did this I had streams of tears as I read the meditation out loud to myself. (Eventually I will be able to do this quietly in my mind as well...)
So the loving-kindness meditation is an ancient meditation practice taught by the Buddha himself which is designed to bring unconditional love to your Self, your loved ones and to beings throughout the universe. It helps bring peace to various situations taking place in your life. It also allows you to look at the world in a more positive light. It brings about positive attitudinal changes - as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind.
Here are the instructions as taken from "A Path With Heart" by Jack Kornfield, (Bantham Books 1993) but it is also possible to recite to oneself the Buddha's discourse on kindness
"Begin by repeating the following phrases over and over for 15-20 minutes once or twice daily in a quite place for several months. At first this meditation may feel mechanical or awkward or even bring up the opposite feelings of irritation and anger. If this happens, it is especially important to be patient and kind toward yourself, allowing whatever arises to be received in a spirit of friendliness and kind affection. In its own time, even in the face of inner difficulties, loving- kindness will develop."
"Sit in a comfortable fashion. Let your body relax and be at rest. As best you can, let your mind be quiet, letting go of plans and preoccupations. (THIS IS SO VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO). Then begin to recite inwardly the following phrases directed to yourself. You begin with yourself because without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others."
May I be filled with loving-kindess"As you say the phrases, you may also wish to use the image from the Buddha's instructions: picture yourself as a young and beloved child, or sense yourself as you are now, held in the heart of loving-kindness. Repeat the phrases again and again, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind."
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
"Practice this meditation repeatedly for a number of weeks until the sense of loving-kindness for yourself grows."
"When you feel ready, in the same meditation period you can gradually expand the focus of your loving-kindness to include others. After yourself, choose a benefactor, someone in your life who has truly cared for you. Picture them and carefully recie the same phrases: May he/she be filled with loving- kindness and so forth. When loving-kindess for your benefactor has developed, begin to include other people you love in the meditation, picturing them and reciting the same phrases, evoking a sense of loving-kindness ofor them."
"After this, you can gradually begin to include others: friends, community members, neighbors, people everywhere, animals, the whole earth, and all beings. Then you can even experiment with including the most difficult poeple in your life, wishing that they, too, be filled with loving-kindess and peace. With some practice a steady sense of loving-kindness can develop and in the course of 15 or 20 minutes you will be able to include many beings in your meditation, moving from yourself, to a benefactor and loved ones, to all beings everywhere."
"Then you can learn to practice it anywhere. You can use this meditation in traffic jams, in buses and airplanes, in doctors' waiting rooms, in a thousand other circumstances. As you silently practice this loving-kindness meditation among people, you will immediately feel a wonderful connection with them -- the power of loving-kindness. It will calm your life and keep you connected to your heart."
Friday, March 25, 2011
Too Much Time on My Hands!
Is it any wonder I'm not crazy?
Is it any wonder I'm sane at all
Well I'm so tired of losing- I got nothing to do and all day to do it
Too much time on my hands,
it's ticking away with my sanity
I've got too much time on my hands,
it's hard to believe such a calamity
I've got too much time on my hands
and it's ticking away from me
Too much time on my hands,
Too much time on my hands,
Too much time on my hands
Who doesn't love them some Styx? But I am only kidding. I can't find enough hours in the day. Am I right? Or am I right?
SHAVED THE HEAD TODAY. I know ya'll were on pins and needles to see if I was going to do it or not. Ha ha ha!!
Is it any wonder I'm sane at all
Well I'm so tired of losing- I got nothing to do and all day to do it
Too much time on my hands,
it's ticking away with my sanity
I've got too much time on my hands,
it's hard to believe such a calamity
I've got too much time on my hands
and it's ticking away from me
Too much time on my hands,
Too much time on my hands,
Too much time on my hands
Who doesn't love them some Styx? But I am only kidding. I can't find enough hours in the day. Am I right? Or am I right?
SHAVED THE HEAD TODAY. I know ya'll were on pins and needles to see if I was going to do it or not. Ha ha ha!!
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